By Andy Lund
A dissatisfied customer tries to get his money back because the Christmas feeling didn't last.
Customer
Shop Assistant
Customer: Excuse me. I’ve come to exchange something.
Assistant: (Cagily) Ah, right. Have you a receipt?
Customer: (Rummages through bag/wallet) No luck, I’m afraid.
Assistant: And what would this something be exactly that you wish to exchange?
Customer: Well, the Christmas feeling, really.
Assistant: I see, the Christmas feeling. Did I sell it to you? When was it?
Customer: Just before Christmas- I got it only a few weeks before.
Assistant: Ah, it wasn’t in the sale was it? We have a policy that we won’t exchange sale goods, I’m afraid.
Customer: Wait a minute. I’ve got rights, you know. Statutory rights. Anyway, it wasn’t in any sale and you definitely were selling it. I remember big posters all over your store: "Get the Christmas feeling here". Don’t you remember?
Assistant: Right. I see. Well, that’s not exactly what we meant. It’s just a turn of phrase really.
Customer: Well you ought to be more careful. There is such a thing as the trades description act, you know. Are you saying it wasn’t true?
Assistant: Well it was…and it wasn’t. Tell me, what did we actually sell you?
Customer: (Finally finding receipt) Right, here you are. Let me see…12 crackers…lights for the tree and a huge plastic glittering star.
Assistant: Ah, as I thought. Seasonal goods. I’m afraid we can’t exchange seasonal goods. Anyway we’re on to selling Easter eggs now and so on. I can do you a nice trade in for chocolate bunnies. Various flavours.
Customer: What, mixed?
Assistant: Absolutely.
Customer: So…mixomitosis?
Assistant: No. The point is we can’t give you back the Christmas feeling or renew it in any way. Seasonal goods. You’re stuck!
Customer: I’ve already taken the tree back to the forest and the pudding back to the pudding club - but it’s not so much the goods - it’s the feeling I want exchanged. It’s all worn off. (Downhearted)
Assistant: Well, with respect, what did you expect. There’s very little that’s permanent in this world. You could hardly expect it to last into a new millennium. But you’ve still got the presents.
Customer: The wheel fell off the indestructible Tonka truck, my mobile phone toasted my earlobe and the anti wrinkle cream I got because I’m worth it set like polyfilla.
Assistant: Surely something about the Christmas feeling lasts more than 4 weeks?
Customer: Well if there is, I’d like to know what it is.
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© Andy Lund, Durrington Christian Fellowship
All rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged.
In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed. He may be contacted at: andrew.lund@ntlworld.com