A Beary Twisted Tale

By Glenn A. Hascall

Summary

When Goldie stumbles across the home of three talking bears, she is surprised by what she finds inside. No deep message - just fun.

Characters

Narrator
Goldie
Papa Bear
Mama Bear
Teen Bear
Three or more Prop Guys (non-speaking)

Setting

Have entire home situated on the stage at the same time. This script relies on the bumbling of prop crew and characters to allow it to stand out.

Script

NARRATOR: There once was a girl named Goldilocks.
GOLDIE: Hello.
NARRATOR: We're not sure exactly why she ventured alone in a forest filled with talking bears, but on the day of our story that's exactly what she was doing.
GOLDIE: (Two prop guys walk a crude cardboard door onto the stage with the words "VERY LARGE DOOR" written on it). Why look, a very large door.
NARRATOR: What could this mean?
GOLDIE: (Said as if the Narrator has missed the obvious) That I can read.
NARRATOR: (Clears throat) Goldilocks...
GOLDIE: (Interrupts) Call me Goldie.
NARRATOR: Goldie walks into the house (Pushes on the door prop and it falls over).
GOLDIE: I expected better construction from bears.
NARRATOR: Suddenly it occurs to Goldie that she is hungry.
GOLDIE: It suddenly occurs to me that I am hungry.
NARRATOR: There were three bowls sitting on a nearby table. (Looks over at the table) I said, there were three bowls sitting on a nearby table. (Hands reach from under the table and place three bowls on the surface above them - nothing actually in bowls)
GOLDIE: (Said without enthusiasm) Oh look, gruel. Yum.
NARRATOR: Goldie tried the first bowl.
GOLDIE: This is beyond disgusting.
NARRATOR: Goldie tried the second bowl.
GOLDIE: (Takes a spoonful and makes a face) I didn't think it was possible to taste something more disgusting than the last disgusting bowl. I was wrong - it's possible.
NARRATOR: Goldie tries the last bowl.
GOLDIE: (Takes a tentative taste and smiles) Um, puréed cheeseburger and French fries with a hint of strawberry shake.
NARRATOR: And she ate the entire contents of the bowl. (Pause) The audience waits impatiently for Goldilocks to finish the entire bowl of food.
GOLDIE: Oh, all right. (Eats remaining contents)
NARRATOR: Then Goldie remembered her favorite soap opera was on TV and ventured into the living room and observed three chairs.
GOLDIE: (Addresses Narrator) Look, I already know how the story goes, one is too hard, one is too soft and the last one is just right. So, can I just find the last chair and watch TV?
NARRATOR: By all means.
GOLDIE: Great (Sits in a folding chair and messes with a remote control).
NARRATOR: Somewhere in the midst of her forest travels, Goldie has ventured into a different time zone and the show she wanted to watch wasn't on yet and frankly Goldie had a low pain tolerance for game shows.
GOLDIE: (Looks in disgust at an invisible TV) Feud 'Til the Price is a Hollywood Millionaire Link? Pew!
NARRATOR: Suddenly her chair broke. (Chair is in fine condition) I said, "Suddenly her chair broke" (Props guys come out and in frustration motion for her to stand as they fold the chair up and lay it on the ground. Then they leave the stage again).
GOLDIE: Well, since I'm in a different time zone in a house owned by bears. And since I must have walked for hours to get here so early in the morning, I think it's possible that I might need to take a nap - or at the very least ask myself why I don't sleep in like most teenagers.
NARRATOR: So Goldie ventured into the bedroom where she saw three beds. (Prop guys move in three cardboard beds, and stand them up against the wall)
GOLDIE: You'd think these bears would have a guestroom or something.
NARRATOR: But since they didn't, Goldie made a quick review of the beds.
GOLDIE: (Motion to each bed as she passes by) This bed must be a man's cause it's not made. This bed has far too many stuffed animals, but this bed looks just right (Stands against the prop as if she is sleeping).
NARRATOR: (Bears walk on stage) Meanwhile, the bear family had been out for a stroll in the early morning sun and was returning to their home.
PAPA: That sure was a good breakfast.
TEEN: Yeah, it's kind of funny the way we always wind up at the pancake house on the day you make gruel, Mama.
PAPA: No offense, honey, but that's the most disgusting stuff on the planet.
MAMA: (Chuckles) I know, but it's the only way I can get you to take me out for breakfast.
NARRATOR: The family notices something is wrong when they enter the home.
TEEN: Something is wrong!
MAMA: Is there an echo in here, dear?
PAPA: Somebody's been eating my gruel. (Looks away from Mama and says in a stage whisper) I hope they survived.
MAMA: Why look, somebody's been eating my gruel.
TEEN: That's weird, 'cause all my friends know that they should avoid that stuff like the plague.
MAMA: But Teen Bear, someone has eaten all our your food.
TEEN: That can't be good.
MAMA: But yours was puréed cheeseburger with French fries.
TEEN: With extra pickles?
MAMA: Yes, just the way you like it.
TEEN: OK, now I'm upset.
NARRATOR: The bears made their way into the living room.
PAPA: Someone's been... (Pause) Frankly, I'm disappointed, I thought sure I'd find that someone had been sitting in my chair.
MAMA: Me too, people just don't ransack houses like they used to.
TEEN: What's this world coming to? (Is shocked by what he just said) That's scary. I sound like Grandpa Bear. (Looks at chair) Hey look, at least they broke my old chair, I guess it wasn't a complete loss.
NARRATOR: Soon the bears investigated their bedroom.
TEEN: There's something I've always wanted to know.
PAPA: What's that?
TEEN: (Goldilocks wakes up) Why don't I have my own room. No disrespect Papa, but you snore. Plus, Mama doesn't allow me to throw my clothes all over the floor or turn the music up loud. All the cool bears do it.
MAMA: (Compassionately addresses Teen Bear) Son, would you jump in the river just because your friends were doing it.
TEEN: I'm not sure if you're aware of it, but that's what bears do, Mama.
MAMA: (Looks embarrassed at the Narrator) I'm sorry I forgot what my character was for a moment.
NARRATOR: (Leafs through the script) Let's see, you are a mother bear, talking to your bear son. He has just talked about the lack of an extra room for himself.
MAMA: Oh right, I've got it now. (Addresses Teen Bear) We don't even have a guestroom, sweetheart.
GOLDIE: (Scared voice) Really?
MAMA: (Startled) Who said that?
GOLDIE: The frightened blonde-haired waif over in the third bed.
TEEN: She's kinda cute - for a non-bear type.
PAPA: That'll be enough son, go to your room.
TEEN: Uh (Looks around and then back at Papa) OK.
MAMA: (Addresses Goldie) Why don't you run away, dear?
GOLDIE: Under normal circumstances I would, but that's exactly what they (point to audience) expect.
TEEN: Ah, a non-conformist. I like that in a (Pause) what are you again?
PAPA: Weren't you supposed to go to your room? (Teen Bear shakes head in disbelief)
NARRATOR: So Goldie stayed with the bear family until her favorite soap opera had concluded and while she was invited to lunch (Mama Bear offers Goldie a bowl of food) she respectfully declined.
GOLDIE: (Looks at Mama Bear) Are you out of your mind?
NARRATOR: Then she borrowed the bear family video camera (Holds up a camera as if to videotape the bears) and shot some film of the bears in their natural habitat and made millions by selling it to the National Probe for their latest cover story - "The GRUEL-ing Story of Life in a Fairy Tale". She shared some of the money with the Bear family so that their son could have a room of his own (Prop guys bring out a box that says "Teen Bear's new Room" and they could add the guestroom (Prop guys bring out a box that reads "Guest Room") they always wanted. Goldie also bought the local pancake house for the bears so that the family would never again have to eat another bowl of gruel, much to the delight of family, friends and guests. Teen Bear learned to manage the pancake house and soon had a chain of restaurants all over the forest. He can currently be seen in Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Million-Bear and owns a house with more than one room. Mama Bear stopped making gruel and took up the craft of latch hook, her work can be seen in all the fashionable ruggeries on the southside. Papa Bear has taken up fishing and can be found most mornings in the waters of the Chilliput River swatting salmon. Goldilocks is now an analyst with BNN (Bear News Network) as both analyst and interpreter for all bear guests. She performed several hours of community service for breaking an entering, destruction and theft as a result of her actions in today's story. The Bears dropped all other charges when she offered a new front door, a new chair, various home improvements and new linens for the family beds.
PAPA: Say, don't forget the moral of the story.
MAMA: That's always my favorite part.
NARRATOR: Well now, that's the tricky part. Let's see, (Pause - thinking) Um, If you come across a group of talking bears, be prepared for great riches. (Negative response from cast) You're right, that doesn't seem right. Uh, why eat gruel when you can eat pancakes. (More negative response) All right how about this, Respect other people's property.
GOLDIE: Not the blockbuster I was hoping for, but it'll work.
NARRATOR: Join us again next time for Cracked Fairy Narratives. (Everybody starts moving about the stage picking up props - including prop guys who carry out a sign and set it up that reads THE END. Narrator sees the futility of continuing) Uh, thank you and goodnight.
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Copyright 2003 by Glenn A. Hascall
Should you use this script, would you be so kind as to let us know? glenn.hascall@gmail.com