Matt – chocolate addict
Gary – Chocoholics Anonymous friend
Matt: Where in the world is my paperwork? (He looks frantically
for his paperwork)
Where could I have put it? Ah, here it is. Let’s see.
(Reading aloud) Things to do when the cravings are the worst. #1.
Keep Busy. Ok. I can do that. I know, I’ll organize the
old newspapers by day. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday. There. That kept me busy for a full 30 seconds!
What’s #2 on that list? Chew some gum. Gum, yeah that’ll help.
(Tears open a piece of gum and sticks it in his mouth and chews hard)
Maybe I need another piece. (Sticks another piece in his mouth) It’s
not helping! Oh my gosh, this is the worst craving I’ve ever had.
But I can do this; I know I can. (Throws out gum)
What’s #3 on the list? Use some form of distraction. Distraction!
That’s where I’m at right now! (Reads again) Do something that requires
thought and takes your mind off of the craving. The crossword puzzle.
That’s it! I’ll do the crossword puzzle. (Pulls the paper apart to
get to the crossword puzzle.) Let’s see I need a 6-letter word that
means strong want. Desire, that’s it. Desire, desire… yes I
know what desire means! (Talks to himself) No wait just keep
going. Do another word. A 5-letter word for intense wish.
Let’s see, what could that be? Oh, yeah, covet! To covet means
to wish intensely for something. (Talking to the newspaper)
Of course it does. Do you think I don’t know that? Of course
I know that! Can’t you see what I’m going through here? Are
you blind? (Throws the paper down.) What am I doing?
I’m talking to a newspaper. Obviously none of this is working.
I know. I’ll call Gary. (Punches in the number.)
Matt: (On the phone) Hello, Gary. Yeah, it’s Matt. No man, I’m in a bad way. It’s never been this bad before. I’ve tried everything I can think of and nothing is helping. You’ve gotta help me, Man. Yeah, come right over, will you? Ok. (Hangs up phone and begins to pace again tearing at his hair.) Just wait. Gary will be here any minute. Don’t look in that cabinet. Whatever you do, don’t look in that cabinet!
(Doorbell rings.)
Matt: Come in, come in. Thank God you’re here, Gary. I’ve never had it this bad before. I thought this was supposed to get easier, Gary. Why is this happening to me?
Gary: Now calm down, Matt. Take some deep breaths.
(Matt begins to inhale/exhale deeply.
Gary: Is that helping?
Matt: NO, NO it is definitely NOT helping!
Gary: Fine. Stop. Did you do any exercise?
Matt: No.
Gary: Ok. Jumping jacks, right now.
( Matt begins to do jumping jacks. After 2 or 3 he begins to speak as he is doing them.)
Matt: It’s not working, man. It’s not working.
Gary: Ok. Stop. Did you eat anything?
Matt: No.
Gary: Here. I always carry my own personal supply of baby carrots. Eat some.
(Matt begins to stuff his mouth with baby carrots.)
Gary: Is that helping? (Matt can’t answer because his mouth is too full but he shakes his head yes.) Good. Now, where’s your stash? (Matt looks innocent and signals that he has no stash.) I know you have a stash, man. I’m not leaving until you hand it over. (Matt sheepishly opens the cabinet and pulls out candy bars.) Let me see if that cabinet is empty. (It is.) Good. Where else?
Matt: That’s all I have. (Matt can speak this line if his mouth is empty or just motion.)
Gary: I know you have more. Hand them over.
Matt: All right. (He pulls out candy from at least 3 more places. Pick the funniest places you can find on the set.)
Gary: Is that all?
Matt: You’ve got it all and thanks, Gary. The craving is finally passing.
Gary: Hey, that’s why I’m here. Are you going to be ok now?
Matt: Yeah, I’m fine now. Thanks, man.
Gary: Don’t mention it. This is what Chocoholics Anonymous is all about. Call me if you need me.
Matt: You know I will. I just did. See ya, Gary, and thanks again.
(Gary exits. Matt pulls out a huge bag of M&Ms from beneath a basket of apples and grins at the audience.)
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Copyright John & Joanne Miller, all rights reserved.
This script may be performed free of charge, provided no charge is
made for entrance or for programmes. In return, the authors would like
to be notified of any performance. For further information regarding performance
rights, they may be contacted at: joannesmiller65@gmail.com.