Venting Feelings

SIMON:
I'm glad you're here, Archie, because I want to have a word with you.

DOLL:
I guess I can't have a word without you.

SIMON:
Don't change the subject. I want to ask you about the sweets in the pantry.

DOLL:
What sweets?

SIMON:
The sweets that aren't there any more.

DOLL:
If they're not there, how can you ask me about them?

SIMON:
Did you take them?

DOLL:
How can I take what's not there?

SIMON:
Stop prevaricating. Did you take them?

DOLL:
Of course not!

SIMON:
Are you telling the truth?

DOLL:
Yes!

SIMON:
You didn't take them?

DOLL:
No!

SIMON:
Okay, you're exonerated then.

DOLL:
I'm e-what-erated?

SIMON:
You're exonerated.

DOLL:
What does that mean?

SIMON:
It means that no-one's blaming you.

DOLL:
Does that mean I can keep the sweets?

SIMON:
Archie, I'm ashamed of you. I don't know what to do with you.

DOLL:
You can do anything to me, just don't throw me to the dragon.

SIMON:
The dragon?

DOLL:
Your wife.

SIMON:
You leave my wife out of this!

DOLL:
I'll gladly leave her anywhere you want. (Confidentially) Leave her at the gate, and I'll make sure the Onyx lads collect her.
Don't know whether they'll recycle old leather though.

SIMON:
Now look here, I'll have you know my wife is one in a million.

DOLL:
Really, I thought she was won in a raffle.

SIMON:
You're just jealous because you're not married. Why aren't you?

DOLL:
I was born that way.

SIMON:
Have you never been tempted to marry?

DOLL:
Yes, but I belong to Bachelors Anonymous.

SIMON:
Bachelors Anonymous!?

DOLL:
Yes: Every time I feel tempted, they send over a woman in an old dressing gown and curlers to
burn my toast for me. (pause) Actually, I'm a bachelor by choice.

SIMON:
Yes. No-one chooses to go out with you.

DOLL:
Good thing, too. Marriage is an institution. and love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

SIMON:
Gillian and I met on a blind date.

DOLL:
It didn't get any better, did it!

(Enter GILLIAN. She stalks across the room, glaring at SIMON and Archie as she passes.
As she goes out the other side, the door slams.)

SIMON:
I think you had better duck out of sight for a while.

DOLL:
Oh no, not the suitcase again!

SIMON:
Yes, the suitcase. (He opens the suitcase, and begins to put the DOLL inside.

DOLL:
Don't put me inside that again. I'm claustrophic. I'll stuffocate.

(SIMON shuts the lid.)

DOLL:
(with muffled voice) No, let me out. I'll be good.

(SIMON opens the lid)

DOLL:
(Ordinary voice) It's lonely in here. And you know I hate the dark.

SIMON: Quiet, we're in enough trouble already. (Shuts lid)

DOLL:
Why should I suffer for your problems?

SIMON:
I said, quiet.

(He kicks the suitcase to reinforce the point. SIMON sits back on the chair, picks up a paper and starts reading nonchalently.
GILLIAN re-enters, carrying a smaller suitcase.)

GILLIAN:
I warned you. Either he ... that dummy ... goes, or I go.

SIMON:
And I've told you that it's not reasonable. Without Archie I don't have a job.

GILLIAN:
And with him you don't have a wife. I'm fed up with the cheap shots at my expense....

SIMON:
You know I don't mean them. It's not meant to be true. It's just my routine.

GILLIAN:
I don't think you can distinguish between truth and fantasy any more. And that's the real problem.
You've hidden behind that dummy for so long, I don't know who the real you is any more. And neither do you.
Goodbye. (She starts to leave, pauses.). No, I'll give you one last chance.
If you can divorce that doll, I'll consider returning. Get a life, Simon. (She exits).

(Simon starts to go after her, then stops and looks at Archie's suitcase.
In huge indecision, he turns after Gillian, then back towards Archie.)

DOLL:
(Muffled voice) Can I come out now?

(Resignedly, SIMON goes over and opens the suitcase, lifting out Archie.)

DOLL:
Has the dragon gone?

SIMON:
(Thoughtful) Yes, she's gone.

DOLL:
Wow, she was breathing fire tonight.

SIMON:
Was she?

DOLL:
|She doesn't mean it, you know. She really loves you.
I saw the card she gave you for your tenth wedding anniversary.

SIMON: Card?

DOLL:
Mind you, it did say, "Thank you for seven wonderful years".

SIMON:
Better than the card you got recently. It said on the cover, "Don't worry, one day your ship will come in".
And then inside, "And you'll be at the railway station."

DOLL:
Good one. That's more like it. (Pause) We can do without her. Truly!

SIMON:
Can we? We've never been without her before.

DOLL:
Hey, you and I have had some great times together. Some hard times, but lots of fun. Lots of laughs.
When did you and her last have a good laugh together?

SIMON:
When did we last do anything together.

DOLL:
Exactly ... so you won't miss her now she's gone.

SIMON:
She said, "Get a life".

DOLL:
What would she know.

SIMON:
Was she right? Have I forgotten how to relate to anyone except through you.

DOLL:
Before you get carried away, my lad, just consider this: I am your partner and your breadwinner.
You are a shell of a man. Without me, you have no life.

SIMON:
She said, if I divorce you.....

DOLL:
How can you divorce your ... uh, your ...

SIMON:
My what!?

DOLL:
Your real self!

SIMON:
No!

DOLL:

Yes!

SIMON:
(Cries in anguish) No!

(He gets up and puts the DOLL on the chair)
Gillian is right. The truth is, I have let you dominate me for too long. (He goes to the suitcase and opens it)

DOLL:
You can't put me down that easily!

SIMON:
You're right. It won't be easy. (He starts putting the DOLL away.)
But you know that saying, that the first sign of madness is talking to yourself?

DOLL:
Don't go listening to old wives tales.

SIMON:
Well, I've just realised what the second sign is.

DOLL:
I don't want to hear.

SIMON:
It's losing the argument.

(He shuts the case, picks it up and exits, with the DOLL complaining from inside.)