by Scott Phillips
An illustration of the need for wisdom beyond one's own mind to make decisions and handle problems.
Narrator
Mike, the husband
Stacy, the wife
The collective brain:
(Stanley: the rational/logical thinker, Amber: the sensitive/emotional feeler,
Kevin: the spontaneous/passive/easygoing one)
Script
(MIKE sits on the couch (center stage) as STACY approaches from the right. "The collective brain" stands behind Mike and just to his right side, with their backs to him. The NARRATOR stands off to the left side of the stage.)
Stacy enters the room and Mike stands to greet her.
MIKE
Hi honey. You ready to go?
STACY
Well, I don't know. I don't have anything in my closet.
MIKE
What dya' mean? You've got a lot.
STACY
(modeling her outfit)
Yeah, but...do I look fat in this outfit?
Everyone freezes. The narrator steps forward.
NARRATOR
Whoah! Wait a minute. Time out!
Narrator makes the timeout hand signal.
NARRATOR
(to crowd)
Has this ever happened to you, or someone you know? You're faced with a tough
question like our friend Mike, here. How do you answer? Today, we're going to
examine a few short glimpses into Mike and Stacy's relationship and some of
the tough questions she hits him with, and how Mike responds. We'll get to peak
inside Mike's head and see how his brain thinks. Those people behind him are
his "collective brain." Each one represents a different aspect of his mind.
The rational side, the sensitive side, and the spontaneous, peaceable one. It
won't take you long to figure out who's who. So let's see how Mike and his brain
do against Stacy's tough questions…
The narrator exits. Mike and Stacy unfreeze.
STACY
Yeah, but...do I look fat in this outfit?
MIKE
Well, honey…
Mike puts his hand to his chin, "deep thinker style" and glances in the air for the answer. Mike and Stacy freeze.
The Collective Brain turn around and get into a half huddle, all facing Mike (and the audience). Stanley stands tall with one hand in his pocket. Kevin just looks to the others to go first. Amber embraces the others to come closer.
AMBER
Ok, gang, what do we do here?
STANLEY
(1 hand still in pocket, the other extending to make his point matter-of-factly,
as he gives Stacy a head-to-toe)
Well, it does kinda make her look fat.
AMBER
(shocked-gasps)
You can't say that! That's terrible! We need to tell her she's beautiful!
KEVIN
Tell her she's really great and take her out for a nice dinner.
STANLEY
Well, I don't think more calories are really the answer.
AMBER
No way, we need to tell her she's never looked better, right? (looking to Kevin)
KEVIN
Hey, whatever y'all say. I'm not gettin' in trouble again!
AMBER
Quick, we need something!
Everyone looks to Stanley, as if he has the final say.
STANLEY
(giving in to Amber, rolling his eyes)
Ok, go with your beautiful thing.
AMBER
(celebrates, with fist pumping)
Yes!
The Collective Brain turn around again, and in the same instant, Mike and Stacy unfreeze.
STACY
Hey, you're hesitating.
MIKE
(shaking his head left to right)
I just can't get over how beautiful you look right now. You're more beautiful
than the day I met you.
She runs to him and gives him a big hug.
STACY
Aw, Mikey, you're the best!
Mike grabs her by the arms and pulls her apart from him, holding her gently.
MIKE
Baby, I'm taking you out for a special night, tonight!
STACY
I'll get my coat!
She runs off. Mike SIGHS in relief and wipes the sweat from his forehead.
MIKE
Whew!
Freeze. Narrator comes out again.
NARRATOR
(looks at Mike, who is frozen)
All right, Mike, that was a close one! But that one was easy. What about something
a little harder?
The narrator creeps off stage, smirking.
Mike and Stacy unfreeze and QUICKLY sit down on the couch. Mike is reading the newspaper, Stacy a book. The brain is to Mike's right side, audience's left.
Unfreeze.
Stacy puts her book down.
STACY
Oh, honey, did I tell you? My parents called yesterday. They are so excited
about coming here to visit next month. They were gonna get a hotel, but I told
them "no way. you're staying with us."
Mike's eyes bulge out, and he puts his newspaper down.
STACY
That's ok, isn't it?
Mike opens his mouth, inhales, and is about to speak-freeze!
The brain unfreeze, turn around and get to work.
KEVIN
Yea! A sleepover! We can order pizza, rent some movies, play cards…
STANLEY
Absolutely not! We don't have enough room for them. We're crammed enough as
it is.
AMBER
For once I agree with you. We can't fit them. And we always end up fighting.
STANLEY
Yeah, and her mother has really bad gas. She clears the room out!
KEVIN
Well, we don't want another fight like (makes quotes with his fingers) "the
Easter incident"
AMBER
Then it's settled, we say no, but nicely.
The brain turn back around again, and instantly, Mike and Stacy unfreeze.
MIKE
I think your parents would be much more comfortable in a nice hotel. They don't
want to be cramped in here. Why don't we pay for their room?
STACY
(annoyed)
You don't want them here, do you?
MIKE
Well, it's not that-I mean, I-
STACY
How rude. They're family and they're staying with us. You're gonna have to learn
some patience and put up with them for the two weeks they're here!
She gets up and storms off to her left (audience right)
MIKE
Two weeks!?
Freeze. Narrator on.
NARRATOR
Whoa, that didn't go as well as planned. Best of luck with the in-laws there,
Mikey.
Now here comes a situation that hits every couple at some point. Mike, you need
to score some points here, buddy.
Narrator exits again. Unfreeze Mike and Stacy as Mike is again playing couch potato and Stacy walks in. This time, Stacy is holding a small box behind her back that Mike cannot see. She smiles and sits down on the couch.
MIKE
Hey, sweetie. What's with you?
STACY
You mean you don't remember what today is?
MIKE
(deer in headlights look, then faking confidence)
Well, of course. I mean, how could I forget?
Stacy is silent, waiting for an answer.
MIKE
Well, today is-
Freeze. The brain do their thing.
STANLEY
Oh, this is not good!
AMBER
Well, it must be her birthday. Every man should remember his wife's birthday.
KEVIN
Nah, isn't it St. Patrick's Day or something?
AMBER
Of course not silly!
KEVIN
Well, it's a good guess!
STANLEY
(to KEVIN)
Oh, be quiet! I'm trying to think.
AMBER
Hey, leave him alone.
KEVIN
Hey, I know. It's 99-cent taco night. Let's go eat!
STANLEY
We don't have time for this!
AMBER
(to Stanley)
Come on, you mean you don't remember?
STANLEY
(frantically trying to jog his memory)
I'm trying, but all I can remember are the sports scores and the 20 most dangerous
animals in the world. Darn you, Discovery Channel!
KEVIN
(to Amber)
What about you? You're supposed to keep track of the sentimental stuff.
AMBER
(breaking down crying)
I know. I was too busy giving us a makeover and a new wardrobe. I thought the
professor here had it.
KEVIN
Let's lie, and then say we were just kidding!
STANLEY
Hey, that just might work!
AMBER
We can't lie! We promised we'd never lie to Stacy. Ever!
KEVIN
But we're not lying. Just kidding.
STANLEY
Technically, he's right. Good idea. Go with the St. Patty's Day idea. When she
gets mad that we don't know, then we tell her Happy Birthday.
AMBER
But how do we know it's her birthday.
KEVIN
What else could be this important?
STANLEY
Right. It's a plan. Let's do it.
The two move away from Amber and turn around, satisfied. Amber waits.
AMBER
But wait, what's that behind her-(gasps) huh!
(she turns to the others quickly)
No, stop!
Too late. The brain turns around, right on the beat of Amber's "stop." Unfreeze Mike and Stacy.
STACY
(getting a little annoyed)
Well?
MIKE
Today is… St. Patrick's Day!
STACY
Very funny.
MIKE
I thought so. Top o' the morning to ya!
STACY
No, really. Tell me.
MIKE
(stuck, what to do now?)
Uh, [hesitates, holds out the "w"] w-w-w-why don't y-y-you, tell me?
STACY
Nice try. You forgot didn't you?
MIKE
No, no way. How could I ever forget your birthday?
Stacy's face drops. She gets attitude.
STACY
What?
MIKE
Happy birthday, honey! I left tonight completely open. I'll take you wherever
you wanna go.
STACY
Michael, today is NOT my birthday.
MIKE
It's not?
STACY
(slow and stern)
No.
MIKE
Ah ha! I knew that! I was just kidding. Boy, I had you, didn't I?
Mike laughs nervously and in desperation.
STACY
It's too late. I can't believe you would forget our anniversary!
She gets up, throws the jewelry box at him, and storms off.
Mike hits himself in the head.
MIKE
Anniversary! I'm so stupid!
Gets up and runs after her.
MIKE
Stace-honey! Wait up. I-I really did know, I was-I was just testing you!
Before he gets off stage, he freezes and the brain turn around again.
THE COLLECTIVE BRAIN TOGETHER
(hitting themselves on their heads)
Anniversary!!!
KEVIN
We're done now.
AMBER
She'll never let us get over this one.
STANLEY
Ah, she'll be all right by morning. We'll just pick up some flowers.
AMBER
Flowers? That's it? This is all your fault!
STANLEY
My fault?
(pointing at KEVIN)
He's the one with the brilliant lying idea.
KEVIN
It worked when we were six.
AMBER
(to Stanley)
Don't blame him! You're supposed to remember the important things!
STANLEY
Hey, I've got a lot on my-er, our-mind. You're the sentimental one, you should
have that written down or something.
KEVIN
Hey, it's all of our faults. Why don't we all just hug and make up right now.
AMBER AND STANLEY
Be quiet!
KEVIN
Ouch, fine, forget it.
All three of them break into arguing at the same time, loudly. Rikki Lake style.
The narrator jumps in.
NARRATOR
Time out! Stop!
All freeze.
NARRATOR
Obviously, that fell apart on our hero. Looks like he'll be enjoying that couch
a lot while he sleeps there the next few nights. As for his brain, well, as
you see, they didn't always come up with the right answer. There was too much
confusion. Too much arguing. I think Mike is gonna have to find a better way
to think through his problems. And I hope we can all learn from his, er- their-mistakes.
The narrator bows halfway, turns and exits.
.........................................
Copyright Scott Phillips, all rights reserved.
This play may be used without payment, provided no charge is made for admission
to the performance. In return, the author would like to be told of any performance.
He may be contacted at scottphillips68@hotmail.com