I've Fallen & I Can't Get Up

by Glenn A. Hascall

Summary

Several people see a man who has fallen into the pit. Each provides their own answers to his problems but only One will ultimately help him out. Based on an item you may have read entitled "The Pit" (author Unknown).

Characters

(16 - most gender neutral. Some parts could be doubled)
 
Frank: a man who falls into a pit Subjective
Objective Pharisee
Mathematician News Reporter
IRS agent Self Pity
Fire preacher Christian Scientist
Psychologist Therapist
Optimist Pessimist
Jesus Narrator

PROPS: Personal props for each character as desired. Possibly a large refrigerator box for the pit.

SETTING: A pit is located center stage (or assumed if used as by a puppet team). Set on a busy street with many people walking by.

Script

NARRATOR: There once was a man who often found himself in the most horrible of dilemmas. Some would call him a Sad Sack or a Charlie Brown. His life seemed to be one big football - moved at the last moment - causing Frank to
fall flat on his back. Perhaps he was just clumsy. Perhaps he needed something more. (Frank enters reading a newspaper.)

On the day of our story, Frank was walking down the street when he fell into a gaping hole in the ground - left unmarked by the negligent construction firm, Bust-n-Go Construction.

FRANK: Ouch. Man that hurt!

(SUBJECTIVE walks across the stage smelling a flower)

FRANK: Hello, up there. I've fallen and I can't get up.

SUBJECTIVE: (Looks around) Who said that?

FRANK: Down here. My name is Frank and I've fallen into this pit.

SUBJECT: (Concerned) That's just horrible. It must just be awful down there. I feel your pain. (Walks sadly away as OBJECTIVE walk onto stage) That poor man. (Brightens) I think I'll go home and plant a flower in his honor.

FRANK: Well, thank you, if you could just... Hello! Where'd you go.

OBJECTIVE: (Cynical looks in the box) Where did who go?

FRANK: (Friendly) Oh, hi, there was someone there just a minute ago and...

OBJECTIVE: (Interrupts) What are you doing in that pit?

FRANK: Well, you see, I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and BOOM down I went like a sack of cement.

OBJECTIVE: Well, it doesn't surprise me. Logic would indicate a high probability that someone would fall into the pit given the proper elements of time and circumstance. (Walks away)

FRANK: (PHARISEE walks onto stage reading a scroll) Yeah, I guess that person was me, (Pleasant laugh) do you think...

PHARISEE: What dost thou think thou art doing resting in thine pit?

FRANK: Oh, hi. You know, it's the craziest thing, I...

PHARISEE: I perceive that things are not fair with thine own self.

FRANK: That would be true, I think.

PHARISEE: Only bad people falleth into pits. (Walks away)

FRANK: (MATHEMATICIAN walks onto stage with a calculator and tape measure) I honestly think it was because I wasn't watching where I was going...

MATHEMATICIAN: (Mutters as he measures the pit) 4 feet by 7.5 times the circumference of the lateral binocular resonation minus a square pie from the corner bakery equals...

FRANK: (Somewhat sarcastic) Oh, look - there's someone in the pit. I wonder if he needs help?

MATHEMATICIAN: (Slightly upset as he walks away and NEWS REPORTER walks in) Now I've got to recalculate the total space minus that taken up by that rude man.

NEWS REPORTER: This has got to be the slowest news day ever. Not even a human interest story to cover.

FRANK: Is somebody up there?

NEWS REPORTER: (Looks around until he locates FRANK in the pit) What are you doing down there?

FRANK: I, uh...well, I fell in.

NEWS REPORTER: I can't believe it, I might just have my story.

FRANK: A rescue, why (Pause) that'd be a great story.

NEWS REPORTER: (Ignores Frank and moves hand as if tracing a headline as they walk off stage and IRS AGENT walks on) Negligent Construction Firm Leaves Gaping Pit.

FRANK: Uh, good luck with your story.

IRS AGENT: (Looks in the pit) Does the government know you are down there?

FRANK: Well, I uh...

IRS AGENT: What is your tax ID number, Mister.

FRANK: What?

IRS AGENT: You are paying taxes on this pit aren't you. (Walks away as SELF-PITY walks in). You'll be hearing from us!

FRANK: I just fell in. I don't actually own this pit.

SELF-PITY: (Sad and slow - looks in the pit)  You haven't seen anything till you see my pit. (Walks off stage as FIRE PREACHER enters).

FRANK: I'd love to, if you could just lend me a.... (Pause) hello.

FIRE PREACHER: Oh, there's a message you need to hear sinner. You are in a
pit.

FRANK: Really? You mean that's what this hole in the ground is called?

FIRE PREACHER: It is apparent with the attitude you're displaying that you are only getting what you deserve. (Walks off as CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST walks on) Give up your evil ways, repent and be lifted from your pit of despair.

FRANK: OK, (Pause) I'm sorry. (Longer pause) I thought sure there'd be someone to lift me out of this pit. (Louder) OK, I'm REALLY sorry...

CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST: Sorry for what?

FRANK: I'm not sure. Apparently is has something to do with this pit.

CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST: This pit...

FRANK: Yeah.

CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST: Why this is no pit, it's all in your mind. (Walks off as PSYCHOLOGIST walks on).

FRANK: We'll I'm sure I got a little dirt on my head but...

PSYCHOLOGIST: Head? (Looks in the pit) Yes, let's explore your head for a moment.

FRANK: OK

PSYCHOLOGIST: You are in a pit.

FRANK: (Pause) Yep, it sure looks that way.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Did your parents ever have a pit?

FRANK: Dad built a root cellar off of the back porch once.

PSYCHOLOGIST: (Walks off excitedly as THERAPIST walks on) I knew it, His parents are to blame.

FRANK: Uh, dad made sure there were stairs though. If someone could just...

THERAPIST: You know what your problem is?

FRANK: I'm in a pit?

THERAPIST: Besides that...

FRANK: (Pause) I bet you're going to tell me.

THERAPIST: You lack self-esteem. If you would just believe in yourself you could get out of that pit. (Walks off as OPTIMIST and PESSIMIST walk on)

FRANK: Maybe if I click my heels I could go to Kansas too.

PESSIMIST: (Looks in the pit) Who are you talking to?

OPTIMIST: (Looks in the pit and talks to PESSIMIST) I bet he just knew we were coming along.

PESSIMIST: (talks to OPTIMIST) Do you have to be so optimistic?

OPTIMIST: The cup is half full my friend.

PESSIMIST: Or empty - it's all a matter of perspective.

FRANK: Hello?

OPTIMIST: (Pays attention to FRANK again) Oh, yes - the man in the pit. Well, I have good news for you - things will get better.

PESSIMIST: Don't believe it - things are bound to get worse - trust me.

(Both walk off)

OPTIMIST: You are such a pessimist.

PESSIMIST: At least I'm never disappointed. I expect things to be bad and they generally are. I hate to be wrong about that kind of thing.

FRANK: (Quiet for about 20 seconds then sings) Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, nobody knows my sorrow. (Stops singing as JESUS walks in) At least the sun is shining.

JESUS: (Looks in the pit) Hi, Frank.

FRANK: Oh, hey, you startled me. Let me guess, you've got some advice for me or you want to tell me how this is all my fault or maybe you just want to throw some dirt on me.

JESUS: No...

FRANK: (Interrupts) Oh, I've seen it all. What I need most is something nobody seems willing to do. If someone would just say...

JESUS: (Interrupts) Give me your hand.

FRANK: What? I think I need to get my hearing checked. I thought you just said...

JESUS: Your hand, Frank. It's time you were lifted out of your pit. Give me your hand. (Frank's hand stretches up out of the pit and Jesus grasps it firmly and pulls him out. Amazed gratitude on Frank's face)

(Fade to Black)
..............................................
Copyright 2002 by Glenn A. Hascall and CMI Publishing with gratitude to the person who had the original idea,  whoever they may be. If you use this script would you please be so kind as to let us know: glenn.hascall<a>gmail.com