Kerry: I told her some day this was going to happen.
Jan: I can’t believe it. How can Patty be late today of all days?
Kerry: I told her! You heard me. How many times did I tell her? A hundred? A thousand? Maybe more?
Jan: I know, I know. People say things like that all the time, but they don’t mean it will literally happen. It’s just a saying!
Kerry: Well, it’s happening here today, and you’re seeing it happen.
Jan: What are we going to tell all those people waiting in there?
Kerry: I don’t know. Go tell the minister to stall a little longer.
Jan: Stall a little longer??? They’ve already played seven hymns and 5 choruses of Amazing Grace. How much more can they take?
(Patty enters but the others don’t seem to see or hear her.)
Patty: Hi, you two. Boy, am I bushed. I think I overdid it a bit today, even for me. I feel kind of funny – out of it, if you know what I mean. I guess I just need a good long rest.
Kerry: I just wish she would get here, then we wouldn’t have to worry about running out of Kleenex.
Patty: (Turning to Kerry) Who? Who do you want to get here?
Jan: Maybe you shouldn’t have said that to her so many times. Maybe you jinxed her and made it come true!
Kerry: Wait a minute! Don’t go blaming this on me. She’s been late her whole life; why should today be any different?
Jan: I guess you’re right. It’s a habit of a lifetime.
Patty: (Turning to Jan) Whose habit? Who are you talking about? (Tries to touch one of them and can’t – her arm won’t reach) Hey, why can’t I touch you?
Kerry: (Walks past Patty but doesn’t notice her) So here we are today, just as I told her it would be – she’s late for her own funeral.
Patty: FUNERAL!!! Whose funeral?
Jan: I guess there’s nothing we can do but wait for her. She really shouldn’t have packed so much into her life.
Kerry: She was always so busy, and she did do a lot of good things.
Patty: Who? Who did a lot of good things?
Jan: Yes, but I really wish she had taken more time to spend with us.
Kerry: Me, too. She was always so busy doing for others that she didn’t have time for her own sisters.
Patty: Oh, I get it. You guys are trying to make me feel guilty
because I have so many good causes I work on all the time. Well it
won’t work because someone has to…
Jan: (Talks right over her & starts to cry) And now it’s too late.
She’s gone for good.
Kerry: (Cries too & tries to comfort Jan) Oh, Jan, I know just how you feel. I’m going to miss her so much.
Patty: Oh, you two are good, but enough’s enough. Come on now, I’m standing right here.
Jan: I guess we should go in with the other mourners. Just because Patty’s late for her own funeral I suppose we shouldn’t keep them all waiting.
Patty: My FUNERAL! But I’m not dead! Am I? (Pats herself all over) I do feel funny. Is this what dead feels like? Dead? How can I be dead? (Faints onto couch)
Kerry: Look, Jan, here she is!
Jan: Finally! Come on; let’s get her into her casket. You take her feet; I’ll get her shoulders. Not only is she late but look at how she’s dressed! You’d think she would have dressed up a little for her big day! (They try to pick Patty up but as they do she wakes up. Jan & Kerry fade offstage as Patty slowly wakens.)
Patty: Oh, my gosh what a nightmare! I’m shaking all over. Thank God it was just a dream, but what a dream! (Looks at watch) Oh no, look at the time! (Phone rings) Hello. Yes, Michelle, I’ll be there. I know I’m late but I fell asleep and I just woke up. I know I’m in charge of the Bake Sale. Don’t worry I’ll be there in just a few minutes. OK, bye.
(Kerry and Jan come back in as Patty is putting her jacket on.)
Jan: Oh good Patty, you’re ready to go?
Patty: Go where?
Kerry: Don’t you remember? We’re going over to Christine’s tonight to watch some romantic movies – just the girls.
Patty: Oh, Kerry, I’m sorry I can’t go.
Jan: What? What do you mean you can’t go? You promised!
Patty: I forgot about the Bake Sale. I’m in charge of it and I’m already late. I’ve gotta go.
Kerry: What about sisters’ night?
Patty: I’ll be there for the next one, I promise.
Jan: That’s what you said last time.
Patty: Jan, I’ll have to talk to you about this later. Right now I have to go. I told you I’m already late.
Kerry: That’s the story of your life Patty. Someday you’re going to be late for your own funeral!
Patty: (Patty looks shocked for a moment then picks up phone and dials) Hi, Michelle. Guess what. You’re in charge of the bake sale tonight. I have to go eat some popcorn. Bye. (Stands between sisters and puts an arm around each of them) Let’s go, sisters. Who’s got the Kleenex?
Lights out.
......................................................................
Copyright John & Joanne Miller, all rights reserved.
This script may be performed free of charge, provided no charge is
made for entrance or for programmes. In return, the authors would like
to be notified of any performance. For further information regarding performance
rights, they may be contacted at: NIJWMiller@aol.com.