Summary

A cracked fairy narrative that looks at a strange blending of Alice in Wonderland and The Wizard of Oz. Meant only for humor - there is no grand moral lesson, just fun and nonsense.

Characters

NARRATOR, HANK. DIANA, PROFESSOR, CASHIER CAT, SCARECROW, MAD SPLATTER, MOM

Script

NARRATOR: Hank was a fine and generous lad. He worked very hard at both study and chores. So it was with some surprise that an afternoon outing with a visiting professor of Horticulture seemed to bore Hank to tears.

HANK: (Unconvincing) Boo Hoo!

NARRATOR: Yes, well (Clears throat) the professor was attempting to teach Hank the wonders of both flora and fauna.

PROFFESSOR: You see this is the Dog-eared Iris or in Latin the Canine-icus hearing apparaticus planticus. (Looks over and Hank is sleeping) Hank (Louder) Hank! How am I supposed to teach you about plants if you’re always sleeping?

HANK: It’s just so nice out right now, how can I concentrate on studying.

NARRATOR: Just then a girl from school walked by.

HANK: Diana.

DIANA: Yes?

HANK: Where are you going?

DIANA: I’m late.

HANK: What?

DIANA: I’m late for a very important date. Ted’s taking me bowling (Lifts bowling bag).

NARRATOR: With that, the white-teethed classmate skipped over the rocks in the creek and disappeared down a small hole by one of the largest oak trees Hank had ever seen. (Diana should actually skip across the stage as she exits)

PROFESSOR: Giganticus producerous of Acorn Nuticus.

NARRATOR: What he said. (Clears throat as professor walks off stage and Hank follows Diana) Hank crawls through the small opening beside the Gigantics… uh…. Oak tree when suddenly he felt himself falling (Hank hollers off stage). On his way down he was captured in an enormous bubble that continued to descend until it was poked by a monkey playing a guitar (Sound effects of a monkey screeching and a guitar strumming and a balloon popping) Hank fell faster until he found himself floating through a delicious layer of whipped cream then he found himself swimming in hot cocoa  The hot cocoa began to swirl into a violent whirlpool and sucked Hank down and down until he found himself completely engulfed in frothy brown goo. (Pause) Of course we’d show you all of this but it would put the drama production budget in jeopardy for years to come - so you’ll just have to trust us on that last part - okay? Okay!

HANK: (Walks out with a towel - rubs head as if to dry off) Wow, I’m sure glad there was a shower at the end of that hot chocolate whirlpool.

CASHIER CAT: (Singing) You bought some Brill Cream and a slimy toads.

HANK: I thought you were supposed to be a cat that could disappear and sing non-sensical songs.

CASHIER CAT: That would be my brother. I’m the Cashier Cat, are you ready to check out?

HANK: Do you have any candy bars?

CASHIER CAT: No.

HANK: How about some notebooks and a pencil.

CASHIER CAT: Sorry - all gone I’m afraid (Looks around and hollers) There's no waiting on aisle five!

HANK: Well, what do you have?

CASHIER CAT: (Singing) Some Brill Cream and some slimy toads. (Chuckles as he walks off stage)

HANK: This is a very strange place.

MAD SPLATTER: Strange - did you say strange?

HANK: Why yes, this is a very unusual place.

MAD SPLATTER: (Throws a small amount of water on Hank) Unusual? Yes, I’ll give you that, but ‘strange’? Oh that will never do.

SCARECROW: Did he say ‘strange’?

MAD SPLATTER: Yes, I believe he did.

HANK: Strange - unusual. What’s the difference?

SCARECROW: Did he ask, ‘what’s the difference’?

MAD SPLATTER: Did you ask, ‘what’s the difference’?

HANK: Yes, I believe I did.

SCARECROW: Oh, I love a person of faith - he ‘believes’ ya know.

MAD SPLATTER: Believes what?

SCARECROW: (Addressed to Hank) Believes what?

HANK: That I said, “What’s the difference?”

MAD SPLATTER: That’s a rather strange belief. Can’t imagine you have a great deal of followers.

SCARECROW:  (Stage Whisper) Probably a cult.

HANK: Did you just say ‘strange’?

MAD SPLATTER: Yeah! What’s it to ya?

HANK: But I thought… O never mind. I think I better get going?

SCARECROW:  Oh here, let me show you the door. (Takes him to a door)

HANK: Thank you (Attempts to go through the door.)

MAD SPLATTER: (Addressed Scarecrow) By the way what ever happened to your friends?

SCARECROW: What friend?

MAD SPLATTER: Metal Man and Pusillanimous Feline.

SCARECROW: Oh you mean Tin Guy and Fraidy Cat?

MAD HATTER: Sure - if that's what you want to call them.

SCARECROW: Well, Tin Guy is being used as a prop in a new reality television show on the hot rod channel and Fraidy Cat is in therapy.

HANK: Excuse me.

MAD HATTER: Who are you?

HANK: My name is Hank and I…

SCARECROW: Have we met?

MAD SPLATTER: (Interrupts by throwing more water on him) What are you trying to do?

HANK: Leave.

MAD SPLATTER: Scarecrow was just showing you the door.

SCARECROW: And it really is a fine door. Don’t you think Splatter?

MAD SPLATTER: Absolutely Scarecrow. A splendid door. (Raps knuckles on the cardboard door) Solid - dependable - trust… (door falls over)  Flimsy - weak - insubstantial.

HANK: (Exasperated) Yes, I’ve seen the door too. Now can I leave?

MAD SPLATTER: Certainly, but if you want to leave - go that way (Point off stage in the opposite direction - throws more water on Hank)

HANK: Why do you keep doing that?

MAD SPLATTER: Doing what? (Throws more water on him)

HANK: That! Throwing water on me.

MAD SPLATTER: They don’t call me the Mad Splatter for nothing (Chuckles).

HANK: I suppose not (All walk off stage as Mad Splatter and Scarecrow get out of their costume).

NARRATOR: This unusual land that Hank had found himself in was so different from the comfortable sane home he grew up in, but Hank had to admit it was fun.

HANK: (Off stage) This is fun? (As a question)

NARRATOR: Yes - fun.

HANK: (Off Stage - forced happiness) This is fun!

NARRATOR: And he would meet equally strange…

MAD SPLATTER: (Off Stage) Did he say strange?

SCARECROW:  I’m certain he did, Splatter.

MAD SPLATTER: I wish he’d stop.

NARRATOR: He would meet many equally ‘unusual’ characters in wacky land. Dancing clams that refused to show off their muscles, a walrus with a penchant for bubble gum cigars and a caterpillar that smoked trout and two Tweedles that were less than desirable social companions for the outgoing Hank. That didn’t even include the queen with a penchant for marking her cards for unfair advantage when playing Old Maid and threatened decapitation against anyone unfortunate enough to win. Or the flying monkeys or the melting green goo lady.

In the end Hank caught up with Diana.

DIANA: Hank? Are you alright?

HANK: (Sounding weak) Diana, I’ve found you at last.

DIANA: You took a nasty spill mister, we thought you were a gonner.

HANK: Where am I?

DIANA: In the hospital.

HANK: I had the most horrible dream. There was the Cashier Cat and the Mad Splatter and Scarecrow. A queen and two slightly abnormal Tweedles - a talking Caterpillar and singing walrus, flying monkeys - and you were there.

DIANA: Let me guess - I was the melting green goo lady.

HANK: (Surprised) How did you know?

DIANA: You must have been hurt worse than we thought.

HANK: I suppose so.

DIANA: Your family is here and they’d like to see you.

(The cast comes back on stage dressed in regular clothes)

DAD: (Same Character that played Cashier Cat) Hello, son.

MOM: Are you okay, Hank?

HANK: Dad! You were there and so was uncle Joe and (excited) you too Harry and mom.

UNCLE JOE: (The same player that performed as Mad Splatter) Where?

HANK: Through the hole in the old oak tree.

HARRY: (The same player that performed as Scarecrow) We’re just glad you’re alive. We don’t have tornados like that very often.

HANK: You mean the hot chocolate funnel?

DAD: You’d almost think he had been watching classic movies on late night television.

HANK: It all seemed so real.

MOM: We’re just happy you’re okay. (Pause) Now you get some rest. (All walk off stage except Mom and Hank).

HANK: I don’t ever want to leave home again.

MOM: Don’t worry, I don’t think the doctors will allow you to be without supervision for a long time.

NARRATOR: In the end it was determined that Hank suffered from a chemical imbalance due to the fumes of a recent pesticide application near the old oak tree, in time he would grow up to write works of fantasy that have delighted generations with their charm and wit (Pause) or was it nonsense and drivel - I can never seem to remember.

Ah well, join us next time for another cracked fairy narrative here on CFN. Thank you for watching.