Summary: Another take on the miracle at Cana. Sometimes we tend to forget, it was alcohol that Jesus made - he didn’t turn water into tea. The sketch is meant to be funny but also to provoke thought.
Style: Light-hearted. Duration: 8min
1: Ooh my head!…..ah my head!….ooh, my head….and my mouth (pulls face)…yuk…What is that in it, for goodness sake? Oh, it’s my tongue. (Looks painfully in mirror) Never knew it was that colour. In fact never knew a colour like that existed. Wonder what it’s called. Sort of a cross between magenta and puce. Pagenta maybe. Or muce. And more fur on it than a Tom cat’s back. Ooh my head.
(Shocked) Fire! Fire! Where’s the fire? (Bell goes again plus knocking) Now they’re knocking the building down. Whatever’s going on? Ooh my head….ah my head!
2. (Through letter box) You there, Bill?
1: Oh whatever’s wrong with me? Now I’m hearing voices as well.
2: (Calling) Bill! Bill!
1: Bill? Do you want to pay? Well, get the waiter then. Oh no, that was last night.
1: What? Oh me! (realising where the voice is coming from) Oh! (Struggles to feet)Ah! Every bone in my body is on strike.
2: Bill, are you there?
1: Don’t know….yes…yes, I’m coming. (Slowly walks to the door and puts ear to letter box)
1: (Jumps back in alarm then returns to talk through the letter box) Yes, what is it?
2: Are you there?
1: Well, of course I’m here and I’ve got a head on me like a cannonball. What do you want?
2: To talk to you.
1: Well carry on then.
2: Not through the letter- box. Open the door and let me in.
1: (Finally dawns on him) Oh, right then. (much struggle with locks and door handle etc and finally opens.)
2: At last. Whatever’s wrong with you? We were all a bit worried after the party.
1: (Dawns on him) Oh yes, the party. Now I remember. Wow!
2: How did you get home?
1: Can’t remember.
2: How much did you drink, for goodness sake?
1: Can’t remember.
2: What’s your name?
1: Can’t remember. No, wait a minute - it’s Bill. That’s it.
2: Well, at least something’s come back. Do you also remember dancing on the table?
1: Oh no!
2: And under the table?
1: Oh, no!
2: And doing an impression of the bride’s grumpy father?
1: Oh, no!
2: Good job, you don’t remember. I think he might remember you for quite some time. Which is not a real problem – unless he were, say, an important client of your firm.
1: He is.
2: (Mimicking Bill) Oh no!
1: Why didn’t you stop me?
2: I was enjoying it too much and you’re quite a good dancer. Quite entertaining really.
1: Not the dancing, the micky -taking.
2: Same reason. Enjoying it too much.
1: How could I have let myself get in such a state in the first place?
2: Well, it might be a wild guess and I could be way off target here but maybe it has some connection with the vast amounts of beverage you were drinking. And I’m not talking cocoa here.
1: Large amounts? How much exactly?
2: Measured in bath tubs I’d say about two and a half.
1: Oh no.
2: Don’t start that again.
1: Why did I do it?
2: I take it, it was not an all together unenjoyable experience.
1: Well, that’s the point. I have to say that that wine was…well…quite remarkable really. It must have been…well, words fail me…it was the finest wine I have ever come across…it was nectar, pure nectar, magnificent, exquisite, extraordinary, a prince among wines, pure heaven.
2: Words don’t fail you that much then.
1: Well, I know a few things about wine.
2: I’d hope so what with you being in the trade and so on.
1: I might be in the trade but a wine like that I have never come across.
2: Now I am confused. I thought you had provided it.
1: Oh sure. I did have the contract for the wedding but I….
1: I’m ashamed to say I messed up.
2: In what respect?
1: Under-ordering. The under-ordering respect.
2: I’m not with you again. Judging by your own consumption alone I can’t quite see how you under-ordered and there was plenty left at the end of the do as I recall. It was only your passing out that prevented you supping the lot.
1: No, what I provided did unfortunately run out. I quite miscalculated. I think knowing the bride’s father and his usual penny-pinching ways put me on a bit of edge. So I provided the bare minimum.
2: A bit like your attire when you were dancing last night then.
1: Oh no!
2: So how come there seemed to be gallons of the fruity stuff sloshing around into the wee small hours then?
1: Extra supplies.
2: What, you sent out for more?
1: No. In fact it would have taken far too long to go back and get anything.
2: What, then?
1: They served up their own. People at the party, that is. In the house.
2: I’m confused again. If they had their own supplies, why didn’t they just use them in the first place? Save all the trouble. Cut you out of the loop.
1: Thanks. Good job there aren’t too many people around like you or I wouldn’t be able to survive. No, the fact is they didn’t have any supplies.
2: There you go again, adding to my general level of confusion. They did have supplies…they didn’t have supplies. You’re giving me a headache.
1: Join the club. No, what I mean is…
2: Go on, this explanation’s go to be interesting…
1: What I mean is the huge stone vats that were in the house were used to provide wine.
2: So they had vats of wine.
1: Not exactly. Vats of water.
1: It’s just when the waiters poured it out it was wine. Not only that but the best wine I have ever tasted. Exquisite, extraordinary….
2: Yes, don’t start with all that again. How the heck did that happen? I don’t know of any cases of fermenting water. It doesn’t seem likely.
1: Nor do I although I have to say what happened saved me a great deal of embarrassment. Under-provision of wine at a society wedding is not the greatest advert.
2: So what did happen?
1: One of the guests - a woman who’s come with a large party of friends and family had a quiet word with her son.
2: And he popped out for some extras?
1: No, I told you it came from the stone vats, the jars already there.
2: Oh yes, I remember.
1: Well, this son gave orders for the servants to fill these six jars up with water and bring them to the maitre d’ . He tasted it and was as smacked out as I was and had it dished out to everybody. Fact was he said it was a whole lot better than the plonk I’d supplied him with. Cheek. But it was.
2: Let you off the hook a bit.
1: I’d say. It was excellent….
2: Yes. Don’t start. But a bit of a puzzle. How did it possibly happen? This bloke, this son must be some incredible sort of guy.
1: Reckon so.
2: Unless, of course, it was some kind of trick. Some delusion. Perhaps everybody was fooled. What do you think? Perhaps it wasn’t the real stuff.
1: (Holds head) All I know is what my head is telling me.
© Andy Lund, all rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged.
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