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Summary: A spoof of Dragnet, a 1950’s police/detective TV series. The detectives, Joe Friday and his partner Bill Gannon, no longer search and apprehend the guilty, but now work for an organization that seeks out people who do good deeds. A young boy (or girl) has had his lost laptop returned with an anonymous note attached. He is going to try and pick out the Christian from a Do-Gooder’s line-up.
Style:  Light-hearted.   Duration:  5min
Actors: 2M, 8M?F

Characters
Friday - Detective, talks in a clipped, monotone delivery
Gannon - Friday’s partner, also very serious
Victim - Young person
Line-up - 7 non-speaking parts (descriptions listed below)

Script

(Cast enters. People for line-up face the wall, away from audience. Friday and Gannon stand front center. Victim stands to side of stage.)

Friday: This is the city of [your town]. This is my beat. We were working the day watch out of [street the church is on]. My partner is Bill Gannon. My name is Friday. I carry a badge.

[Short version of Dragnet theme plays. It’s available as a wav file on several websites]

Gannon: [Victim’s Name] had taken a laptop to a local park to conduct a scientific test. There at the park the laptop went MIA.

Friday: We received a call from [Victim] at exactly 2:34 pm to report the missing laptop had been delivered safely to his/her front door. An anonymous note was attached to the laptop by a “Do Gooder.”

Gannon: Now that our days in the Dragnet division of apprehending criminals are over, Detective Friday and I work for the Do Gooder’s Division, finding people who perform random acts of kindness.

Friday: Ladies and gentlemen, the scene you’re about to see is true. Only the details have been changed to prove a point.

[Short version of Dragnet theme plays. Suspect line-up cast turn around and face forward. Friday and Gannon turn to Victim, who approaches them]

Gannon: Good afternoon [Victim], please state the facts one more time about the laptop.

Victim: I took my laptop, well it’s really my dad’s, to the park.

Friday: Go on please.

Victim: Pastor [Pastor’s name] told me that my dad’s laptop was waterproof so I dropped it in the pond.

Gannon & Friday:  (look at each other, roll eyes, sigh] Oh, him. Yeah, that figures. We understand.

Victim:
But I think he was wrong, cause when I took it out it didn’t work anymore. I think I fried the mother board.

Friday: Just the facts, son.

Victim: I laid it out to dry and went to the playground and when I went back it was gone. I knew my dad would ground me for the rest of my life, but I when got home there it was at the front door with this note. [holds out note in his hand]

Gannon: Could you read the note one more time, son?

Victim: [reads note out loud] I returned this because it’s the Christian thing to do.

Friday: [to Gannon, who makes a note in his book] The Do Gooder is a Christian, Frank. That’s a key fact.

Friday: [Walks toward line-up]  These are the people we found in the proximity of the park.

Gannon: Look closely, son and pick the one you think is the Christian.

[The detectives stand to the side as [Victim] reviews each person, making comments]

[You can change the number of suspects, types of people, etc to fit available cast members]
1.    Homeless person, dressed shabbily
2.    Young child
3.    Biker
4.    Person with long hair and beard, maybe sandals
5.    Woman dressed up loud and extravagant, bright colors.
6.    Nun
7.    Asian person

Victim: [Friday says line for Suspect 4]
1.    They’d never return it…she would probably sell it.
2.    Kids? What do kids know about religion?
3.    Aren’t all bikers Hell’s Angels. Those guys are mean.
4.    Take a look at that one, Gannon. Beard, Sandals. He even looks like Jesus. I bet this is the guy.
5.    I don’t think Christians dress that, you know, happy.
6.    I heard nuns like whacking knuckles with their rulers. That’s what my dad told me.
7.    Everybody knows Asians aren’t Christians.

Gannon: The facts tell us that one of you is a Christian.

Friday: Will the Christian please step forward.

[Suspects look at each other,  right…left….finally…all step forward. Friday and Gannon looked surprised.]

Gannon: Wow, I guess you can’t spot the Christian just by looking at them. The real evidence must be inside the person.

Friday: Looks like we’ve wrapped up another case of Do-Gooder Dragnet.

[Longer version of Dragnet theme plays.  Cast files out of Sanctuary]

……………………
© Copyright Bob Grinsell and Tom Rivard, all rights reserved.
This script may not be reproduced, translated or copied in any medium, including books, CDs and on the Internet, without written permission of the author.
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In exchange for free performance, the authors would appreciate being notified of when and for what purposes. They may be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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