Summary: 2 commentators for the Satanic Church TV Network are watching as 1st Church engages in petty and self-destructing behavior. Their comments highlight several silly and harmful practices that churches sometimes allow to tear them apart. The whole time, they are demonstrating how Satan and his forces must delight in the harm it does the Church. As commentators “call the game,” stadium and crowd noises rise and fall appropriately in the background.
Style: Light-hearted. Duration: 8min
Scurvy Wormwood – church sports commentator
Maggot Dryrot – church sports commentator (both are dressed in ties and sport coats, with headsets)
Announcer: This is SCTVN – the Satanic Church TV Network, once again bringing you the very best in Church mess-ups.
S – Hi, I’m Scurvy Wormwood!
M – And I’m Maggot Dryrot, here with Scurvy at the 3rd round of the 2009 1st Church Pettiness Smackdown finals, right here in their own Fellowship Hall.
S – That’s right, Mag, and what a showdown it has been! I can’t remember when the power struggle has been heavier or the attitudes shallower than this year’s pettiness finals! The people at 1st Church have never let us down in the past, but they’re hitting some new all-time lows this year that have the entire underworld glued to their monitors.
M – Well, Scurv, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? I mean, last year’s worship music spars made some terrific digress, and 2007 saw that whole Sunday School class walk out ‘cause they were mad at the leadership, but I’m just amazed at the way church members are slapping each other around over silly things this year. Let’s take another look at this season’s frontline contention contenders…
S – Mag, there aren’t many of the Enemy’s own who can shoot themselves in the foot like the husband and wife team of Ron and Melda Wheezer. Remember, the Wheezers distinguished themselves last year when they completely ruined their Home Bible Study group.
M – Oh, yes, I remember that. Didn’t they raise a ruckus over some people in the group who were talking about changing its focus?
S – That’s the understatement of the year! It seems the rest of the group wanted to split it in 2 so they could concentrate on bringing in new people. Boy, that was a close one!
M – It might have been, but few church members are more self-focused than the Wheezers. Ha! They didn’t just stop the study group from splitting – they blew it up into 7 groups of 2 apiece that don’t belong to any group now! Phenomenal work! Just phenomenal!
S – Real Hall of Flame talent, Mag! Now how about Williams and Terrell on the other side of the table today?
M – Well, Scurv, the unlikely pair of Willis Williams and Tarrant “The Terror” Terrell have been cutting off the Church’s nose just to spite its face for 5 seasons now. They’re gonna be tough to beat. Williams, you’ll remember, still holds the 1st church record for number of items donated with strings attached. His lifetime goal is to have ownership of at least one major object in every room of the church building, and he is well on his way. And Tarrant continues to set new lows when it comes to nitpicking volunteers right out the door. He has personally dashed the enthusiasm of every new church member within 1 month. You might say Tarrant is the one who puts the “teer” in “volunteer”.
S – Heh, heh, that’s a good one, Mag. You gotta love the way Satan takes good people and things in the Church and turns them into something horrible!
M – And they don’t even realize it, Scurv! I don’t think there’s any event he hasn’t used yet to do some damage. One thing’s for sure – we’ll still have jobs tomorrow!
S – Alright, with that all said, I’ve gotta ask. Who do you favor in today’s standoff?
M – Well, Scurv, while Williams and Terrell have got a lot of raw talent, I’ve gotta lean toward the Wheezers. There’s just so much potential when a married couple does things as a team. You and I have both seen when couples work against our cause and how much damage that can do. But the real beauty of this couple is the way Satan has them in perfect sync stirring up trouble. If they stick to their usual game where Ron works the men and Melda works the women, it’s gonna be tough to unravel the mess they’ll make. If you were Williams and Terrell’s coach on this one, what would you be saying to them?
S – I’d tell them to pull out the stops today. You know, today’s round is the church carry-in dinner round, and it’s an easy opportunity to slip in dissension in what looks like a completely innocent setting. There’s the chance to be rude by not waiting on one another. There’s the potential for someone getting indignant because they weren’t asked to help in the kitchen or weren’t appreciated enough when they did. And, there are even some members who can have their feelings hurt because someone else’s green bean casserole gets eaten before their zucchini surprise is gone. It looks simple enough, but these 2 can really do a lot of damage today if they’ll just look for the opportunities and then jump on them.
M – Well, OK, it looks like it’s time for the opening prayer and… Oh, Scurv, do you see that?! Terrell has pointed out that the preacher isn’t there yet and he’s rolling his eyes. It looks like he’s going to offer the opening prayer. That’s going to turn some feelings against the leadership on this one.
S – What many may not have noticed, Mag, is the way Williams has the preacher stalled out in the hallway, sharing some news about a rumor he heard. There’s no way the preacher can even get into fellowship hall. Perfectly executed teamwork. This may not have put them on the scoreboard yet, but it shows the way Williams and Terrell are planning ahead and pacing themselves.
M – OK, the line is moving through the food now. The Wheezers are still looking for their opening. They’re splitting off. Melda is at the table, convincing members to load up their plates. Ron is at the back of the line, pointing out that there isn’t going to be enough food by the time they get there. And…there it is! Two people get mad and they’re leaving! They’re leaving the dinner in a huff! That’s a score! A score for the Wheezers!
S – Mag, there’s no denying them that one. Getting 2 people to walk out and make a scene is going to go a long way. The spirit of this carry-in dinner has already dropped a couple of degrees.
M – Speaking of dropping a couple of degrees, Scurv, there goes Williams to the thermostat. It looks like he’s going to use the old turn-the-temperature-too-low move to upset a few of the colder folks. It’s one of the basic moves, but it’s a wonder that more players don’t use it.
S – And it’s already paying off. Do you see that one table of people sitting below the air duct? Things are getting a little “cool” at that table right now. They’ve called Terrell over to complain. There he goes. He’s just listening. Now, he’s nodding his head. He’s pointing out how other people just really don’t care about them! It looks like it’s going to be a…score! Yes! There are 3 couples now who are upset but won’t do anything but gossip!
M – Isn’t that beautiful, Scurv? When a skilled player can get in there like that and keep people from using common sense to fix a little issue, it completely gets their minds off of what really matters in the church.
S – Beautiful it is, Mag! But more than that, it’s job security!
M – So are commercial breaks, Scurv. Let’s take a break now while the players of 1st church lick their wounds, take sides, and concentrate more on how they can get what they want. As long as there is a church to disable, we’ll be back…we promise! I’m Maggot Dryrot.
S – And I’m Scurvy Wormwood.
Announcer: This is SCTVN – the Satanic Church TV Network, bringing you the very best in Church mess-ups.
© Sherm Nichols, all rights reserved. The script may not be reproduced, translated or copied in any medium, including books, CDs and on the Internet, without written permission of the author.