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Summary : We’ve probably all met Mrs Gall during our lifetimes – the lady (or man!) who can’t keep their noses out of other people’s business! To meet a Mrs Gall who purports to be a Christian, however, is a tragedy, but hopefully a reminder to us all to watch our tongues. Keywords: gossip, slander, loose talk, telephone, busybody.
Style: Lighthearted. Duration: 7min
Actors: 1F/M

Characters
Mrs Gall

Script

(Mrs Gall is reading the agony column in a women’s magazine. The ringing of the telephone is heard. She picks up the ‘phone and replies in her ‘best telephone voice’, reverting to her ordinary voice when she knows who it is.)

Mrs Gall: Hello, Wormwood 2748, Mrs Gall speaking…

Oh, Hiya Sonia! Nice to hear from you, how are you... Oh, not so good, I’m sorry to hear that, what’s the matter with you?... Oh, tummy upset! Is it just in the morning that you feel sick?... All day… Yes, yes… Have you been to the doctor with your stomach? … What did he say you’ve got? … Did he... DID HE… Well, he’d no business to say that, it just goes to show that they don’t train them properly these days. Probably just a virus indeed, that’s what they all say!

How’s Norman? … Oh, shame, shame, it must be his age… You’ll have to exchange him for a newer model. Ha ha ha… What about your Sharon, then? Well, she’s got herself a new boyfriend, hasn’t she? … You mean you don’t know? Ooooooh, well she’s been sitting next to Darren at church for three weeks, now that must be a record for Sharon. … Nooooo, of course I’m not saying she’s a FLIRT, exactly; enjoy yourself while you’re young, that’s what I say; after all, we don’t have to look back so many years, do we, Sonia?

What… Who’s Darren? Oh, you know the one with the terminal acne! Anyway, I thought to myself, it’s to be hoped your Sharon can read Braille! Ha ha ha!

Oh, talking about Sunday, wasn’t it AWFUL? I mean, why SHE has to lead the worship, I don’t know! It might help if she has singing lessons! Well, I know it’s the heart that counts…. And that pianist, if he got one note right in five, he was doing well! What did you think of the preacher? He should go far! The farther the better, that’s what I say! Did you see what Pauline was wearing? That frightful dress! I think anyone with her figure should wear something black and simple, not orange satin with frills. She looked like a badly made polony sausage!

Oh, that reminds me, they’ve got a special offer on tripe at Sainsbury’s. I know how your Norman likes it. Personally, I think it’s OFFAL! Ha ha ha! By the way you’ll never guess who I saw there the other day? … At Sainsbury’s… No… No… No, it was Doreen! … What do you mean ‘so what’! But you’ll never guess who she was WITH!... No… No… No! It was Nigel! Well, just imagine, DOREEN and NIGEL! What a combination. Well, I thought to myself, at least they don’t spoil another couple! And then a funny thing, as soon as they heard me shout ‘Cooooeeee!’ they dodged behind the Household Detergents. That wasn’t very nice, was it?

Talking about Nigel, I believe Derek and Nancy are moving…..Downmarket!… Well, I always said they lived above their means. Didn’t I always say they lived above their means? They’ve to sell their car, and they’ll be leaving the area, and the church… Oh, they’ll be going to that little church in Waverley Street, you know, the one where our Margaret goes. Ooooooh, I do hear there’s been a lot of trouble there…. Oooooh yes, our Margaret says there’s been trouble there ever since she’s been going!........… Oh gossip, backbiting, the usual sort of thing…

Well, I’d better not keep you, was there something you wanted to tell me? Something to share for prayer? Go on… Well, of course I can keep a secret! You know me, Sonia; I’m the SOUL OF DISCRETION! A trouble shared is a trouble halved, they say. Come on; tell Auntie Elsie, you know how I like to be involved! … Yes …Yes… No… He DIDN’T.... A blazing row! You poor thing… Yes, it was HURTFUL to say that! Who’d have thought it of Norman! I always say the quiet ones are the worst! Yes, of COURSE my lips are sealed. Bye bye, my dear and err, keep praising the lord!

(Rings off, and gleefully rings another number, tapping her feet impatiently until it is answered) Hi Pauline, is that you? I did like your dress on Sunday, it really suits you!...... I’ve got something to tell you! I’ve just been on the ‘phone to Sonia, you know, encouraging her in the Lord, and it seems that her and Norman are on the brink of a divorce! And expecting her fourth!... So I’ve been thinking, can you ring round a few of the girls, get them to come round for about 3 o’clock and we’ll have a good chat about it……Yes 3 o’clock, that’ll give me chance to peg my washing out and check if Her Next Door has cleaned her windows yet. Bye now, see you later! (exit)

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© Copyright Susan Walton, all rights reserved. The script may not be reproduced, translated or copied in any medium, including books, CDs and on the Internet, without written permission of the author.
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed. She may be contacted at: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it., website www.preparetheway.co.uk

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