Summary: Two monologues, in which a cynical newspaper reporter with the Nazareth and Galilee Gazette has to deal with two highly unusual phone calls from people who suspects have been drinking too heavily.
Style: Lighthearted. Duration: 2 x 5min
Scene: Reporter slumped sleeping onto a desk. He is dressed rather shabbily in a jacket and cords. On the desk is a phone book, notepad, pen, telephone and a mug.
Fx: Phone rings, then rings again.
Reporter (R), coming to senses: Wah? (Picking up phone), Ah, hang on, (affecting as if talking to a colleague who in fact isn’t there), Yes, I’ve just finished it.
R: Hello, Nazareth and Galilee Gazette, this Nigel at the news desk speaking, how can I help?
R: Alright could you just calm down a little, I’m having trouble understanding what you’re saying while you’re shouting like that.
R: Thank you, now, to whom am I speaking. Mr Lambswool, you say, one of the shepherds from over in Bethlehem. Ok, well Mr Lambswool, have you got an item for our paper? Something we can ewes? (exaggerates bad pun), something worthy of fleece street? (again exaggerates pun)..har har (laughing at own joke) Yes, I’m sorry, I am listening.
R: (incredulous): YOU SAW WHAT???!!! (grabs notebook and pencil) Could you spell that for me? A…n….j…Oh, Angel! An angel – well that’s certainly newsworthy. Tell me more, where were you when you saw this exactly?
R: (slowish and deliberately) Lying on the floor… gibbering like an idiot.
R: So you were scared?
R: Ah, yes, I see, ha, ha, bit embarrassing, well, good job you were lying on the grass then….Sorry,
R: It spoke to you. What did it say? …‘Don’t be afraid’. Hmm, a bit late for that, wasn’t it?
R: Something else? Hang on (scribbles on paper), a message…Good news, of great joy, today in David’s city, yeah, Bethlehem, a saviour has been born…A SAVIOUR: Wow, this is really good, go on…You’ll find the baby wrapped up in a cattle trough. Are you sure?
R: Well, it all sounds very confusing…I’m not sure we can use it. Was there anything else?
R: More angels? About how many, ten…twenty perhaps? (Pause, then rather taken aback) About a 10 hundred million.
R: (slowly – beginning to have doubts) All Shouting. Go on (said wearily) Glory to God, peace, to those God has favour on.
R: Um, now, Mr Lambswool. Please don’t take this personally, it’s just that, well, have you been, well, how can I put it?, tired recently…or just a little too fond of the wine of an evening?
R: (affronted) No, no, I’m not suggesting anything, it’s just that, well, frankly I think you’d be better off trying the Bethlehem Herald, they print anything down there…
R: What?….(completely baffled) Merry Christmas? (puts the phone down slowly as if puzzled).
Slow News Day Christmas Monologue 2
Scene: As before, except the reporter has feet on table and is doing the crossword in a folded newspaper. On the desk is a phone book, notepad, pen, telephone and a mug.
R: 3 Down, Soldier who walks about? 5 letters, Um…er (scratches head) Ah, that’ll be Roman. (looks smug)
Fx Phone rings.
R: Ah well, better answer it I suppose. Hope it’s not another of those crank calls. (picks up phone)
R: (overly sweetly) Nazareth and Galilee Gazette, this is Nigel at the news desk, how can I help?
R: (Immediately clutches forehead).Um, please a little quieter. Thanks, now, to whom am I speaking?
R: Ok Mr Moonbeam, from the Bethlehem Amateur astronomers Club, what is it you have to report. You saw something…on SKY…sorry? oh, sorry, you saw something IN the sky, right, now I get you. What exactly was it? A star, Well, yes, they are kind of common up there at night, I thought you’d know that being an astronomer and that!.
R: A new one, ah now that sounds more promising, although it might play havoc with our horoscope page. When did it appear? A few weeks ago. And what did it look like? (scribbling on note pad) Very big, very shiny, and moving across the sky very slowly.
(Pauses to think, looking puzzled)
R: Um, Mr Moonbeam, I’m not exactly well up on this kind of thing, but am I not right in thinking stars usually stay in one place? This one didn’t? I see. Well, you’re the expert. Anything else unusual about the star?
R: Important looking wise men following it, you say…on camels?
R: And then it stopped over Bethlehem. It stopped right over Bethlehem. It stopped right over the outbuildings of a pub in Bethlehem?
R: And then?….(unsurprised now) And then it disappeared. Yes, it would, wouldn’t it. Easy come, easy go. Star there, star not there. Twinkle twinkle, twinkle not twinkle.
R: (Now rather annoyed) You know what, Mr Moonbeam, if I were to hazard a guess, I’d say your star wasn’t the only thing that’s been hanging around the pub recently.
R: I’ll tell you what I mean by that, I’ve had enough calls like this for one day, angels and wandering stars and saviour babies…(stopped in tracks)
R: Cute was he…You saw him. In a cattle trough. (taken aback) Oh. (almost reflecting on this)
R: (tries to shake himself back to hard nosed reporter) Well, look, I don’t know we’ve got space to print the story today, we’ve got a stock market crisis of biblical proportions brewing. But I’ll keep it on file. Might make some light relief for the paper some day when news is short.
R: Ok, Mr Moonbeam, no offence meant….thanks for the call….I beg your pardon? Merry Christmas? (again puzzled, putting phone down slowly).
© Copyright Jonathan Budd, all rights reserved. The script may not be reproduced, translated or copied in any medium, including books, CDs and on the Internet, without written permission of the author.