Style: Dramatic. Duration: 8min
Actors: 2M, 4M/F
Captain One - smartly dressed, navy blue, gold captain’s rings on sleeve and officer’s cap.
Captain Two - casual, T-shirt or seaman’s jersey, carrying a pair of oars or paddles.
Passengers One, Two, Three and Four - ordinary dress or holiday clothes, can be male or female.
(A plain stage is all that is needed. Both Captains need a large sign with the name of their respective ships. Captain One’s sign should be laid on the floor at his feet and not revealed to the audience until the end of the sketch.)
(Captains One and Two enter and stand at opposite sides of the stage. Captain Two carries a sign "HMS Christianity". The passengers start in the audience and walk up onto the stage on cue)
Capt One: Roll up, roll up, for the cruise of a lifetime on the world's largest, newest, luxury liner.
Capt Two: Roll up, roll up, for the cruise that brings you a totally new life.
Capt One: This ship has first class cabins for over four hundred passengers, with every facility and every comfort; swimming pool, sauna, squash court and sun-deck.
Capt Two: We don't have any luxuries, but we have the most experienced Captain afloat.
Capt One: We have all the latest technology and electronic systems.
Capt Two: Our Captain has been running cruises for two thousand years. He knows the ocean like the back of his hand.
(Enter Passenger One)
Pass One: What about entertainment on the voyage?
Capt One: We have a live stage show every evening; cinema; TV in every cabin; cabaret for the parents and a disco for the youngsters.
Capt Two: We make our own entertainment. You'll enjoy it.
Pass One: Not me. I like everything laid on. (Stands behind Capt One)
(Enter Passenger Two)
Pass Two: Which ship has the best food?
Capt One: We offer you a full English breakfast, three course lunch and three course dinner.
Pass Two: And wine with the dinner?
Capt One: We have the finest wine cellar of any cruise liner.
Capt Two: We offer plain, wholesome food and our Captain guarantees that we never run out.
Capt One: We have a full waitress service at every meal.
Pass Two: That suits me. (Stands behind Capt One)
(Enter Passenger Three)
Pass Three: Where exactly will this cruise take us to?
Capt One: We're not going anywhere. It's a pleasure cruise.
Capt Two: Our Captain is taking us to a new life in His Father's Kingdom.
Capt One: It doesn't matter which port you arrive in. All that matters is having a great time on the voyage.
Pass Three: I want a good time now. How do I know if your Kingdom even exists?
(Stands behind Capt One)
(Enter Passenger Four)
Pass Four: I've never been on a cruise before and I'm scared of the sea.
Capt One: Our liner is so big, you'll hardly know you're at sea.
Capt Two: No-one need be scared with our Captain. He really understands the wind and the waves.
Pass Four: But supposing there's a storm?
Capt One: Look, this liner displaces 66 000 tons and the engines have 55 000 horsepower. If there is a storm, we'll just drive straight through it.
Capt Two: We may run into some rough weather, but our Captain can calm the stormiest sea.
Pass Four: What if we sink. I can't swim.
Capt One: This ship has a double-bottom to her hull and the whole ship is divided into 16 water-tight compartments. She can't sink.
Capt Two: Anyone who puts themselves into the hands of our Captain is completely safe. He's never let anyone drown yet.
Pass Four: I think I'll join your ship. (Stands behind Capt Two)
Capt One: Well, if there are no more passengers, we'll set sail.
Capt Two: So will we. By the way, shouldn't your liner have a nameplate?
Capt One: Oh yes; here it is. (Holds up sign: "The Titanic")
(I have looked up the facts and figures about the Titanic and they are correct, except for the TV and the disco of course)
© Copyright John Hastings, all rights reserved. The script may not be reproduced, translated or copied in any medium, including books, CDs and on the Internet, without written permission of the author.