THE SANTA CLAUS FAMILY SECRET

By Will Sloan

Summary
This is a show to highlight the point that Jesus is the reason for the season. Imagine what happens when Santa gets too wrapped up in his work to tell his own son what Christmas is really about.
Style: Lighthearted.  Duration: 45min
Actors: 7M, 3F, 1M/F + V

Characters
Santa (Kris)
Jake the Elf
Junior
Elsie, Mrs Claus
Nick Claus
Grandpa Claus
Gizmo the Mechanic Elf
Pastor Donahue
Church Lady
Police Officer
3+ church congregation

Script

ACT ONE
SCENE ONE

(The scene begins with Santa sitting at his desk. There is a clerk elf sitting at a smaller desk adjacent to Santa's. The elf's working area is obviously unkempt. He and Santa are going over "the list." They are in business attire except for an elf hat.)

Jake: Now let me get this straight, Santa. When did you decide to put Ben Affleck back on the nice list? Normally, you don't do that for the Hollywood types.

Santa: Yes, yes. I normally don't, but Ben has married that nice Garner girl and has settled into his new “daddy role” very well. I dare say he might rub off on his friend, Matt.

Jake: Okay, but I think you're getting a little soft these days.

Santa: That's enough of that, Jake. Just put Mr. Affleck on the nice list. Give him what he wants for Christmas this year and let's be done with it. 

Jake: All right, we will put him down for "one hard-to-find, limited edition Pearl Harbor Movie lunch box!"

Santa: (chuckles slightly) The wishes just keep getting crazier every year...

Jake: (under his breath) And so does the nice list.

Santa: Now, now, Jake, I don't want to have to put you back on reindeer poop-scooping duty again...

Jake: Oh, uh, yes, sorry boss.

(A tap on the doorway from a nice looking, mature woman)

Elsie: Ahem! Chris, dear, I know you're busy and I hate to bother you, but I was wondering if I might have a few moments of your time?

Santa: This won't take long, will it, Elsie? We were just going over the double check. Then we have all the flight patterns to go over and making sure we get them to all the flight agencies and there's such little time until C-day, and...

Elsie: (cutting him off) Yes, I know dear. But it's about Junior...

Santa: Is he all right? He's not hurt, or anything, is he?

Elsie: Oh no, nothing like that. He's a fine healthy, happy boy. As a matter of fact...(with a perplexed look) ...he is a very, very happy boy.

Santa: Yes, yes Elsie, I know that. What is it, then?

Elsie: Junior is getting older now, and I am a bit worried about him. I think it's time you start bringing him in to work with you on the family business.

Santa: I couldn't possibly bring him in now. We have all this paperwork to go through and also the flight patterns, (next line slightly irked, directed at Jake) and then I have to get ready for negotiations because SOMEBODY thought it would be a good idea to organize the elves into a labor party. (towards Jake) You know, there are a lot of other elves endlessly making cookies in the woods that would LOVE to come up here and make toys for a living instead!

Jake: Hey! I just read them the "Grapes of Wrath" as a bedtime story. How was I supposed to know that they would take it so seriously?

Santa: Grapes of Wrath, indeed!

Elsie: Chris, dear, I know that you have a lot of work to do and you are under pressure, but still, Junior is going to be the next in line to take over the responsibilities of the Santa lineage. I can't help but wonder, also, if his perceptions of how this all came to be is entirely accurate.

Santa: Elsie, I'm sure that you're just over-worrying about the boy. Besides, I've put Jake in charge of his tutorial. 

Elsie: Yes, that's another thing that I wanted to talk to you about. I really think it might be a better idea for YOU to take care of that part of Junior's life. I'm sure that you could take much better care of, shall we say, (tries to say it quietly so Jake won't hear) the finer points of his education?

Jake: (hearing) Harumph!

Santa: Oh, nonsense, Elsie! I'm sure everything will work out for the best. Besides, I'm far too busy to take on such a task.

Elsie: OK, Chris. But just you remember; he is our only child and someday soon he is going to have to be told about "the family secret."

Santa: Yes dear, I know.

(Santa's brother comes barging in, crossing over to Santa)

Nick: Now see here, Brother! This is really starting to become ridiculous! (He notices Elsie, and his demeanor changes. He obviously has fuzzy feelings for her). Oh, hello, Elsie. I didn't realize that you were in here. (He moves in to get snuggly close to her) What a pleasant surprise. What brings you in here?

Elsie: (Being congenial) Hi, Nicky. We're just going over some family matters.

Santa: (moving in to get between Elsie and Nick) Yes, speaking of why WE'RE here; what brings YOU here, Nick?

Nick: Ah, yes! As I was saying, Brother, I know that you put me in charge of Grandpa Claus' care, but it seems that the decisions you two have made about how he can spend his time is becoming quite a hassle for me.

Santa: In what way?

Nick: Well, Brother, for one thing, allowing him to go out and play all the reindeer games is a bit on the liberal side for me, if I do say so myself. But NOW he's insisting that we pretend that he is Santa Claus again!

Santa: Well what's wrong with that?

Nick: I HAVE TO BE THE REINDEER!

Santa: (giggles)

Nick: Oh, you think that's amusing, do you? Well, then YOU walk out on the frozen lake with him on YOUR shoulders, while he's drinking a goblet full of "who knows what," yelling out, "You better go faster, boy, or Vixen gets a whipsen!"

Elsie: Um, I'm sorry to interrupt, Nicky, but I must excuse myself. I have a million Christmas cookies to get back to. Chris, dear, I know that you're really drowned in a lot of work with C-day and all, but please think about what I said.

Nick: (In a snide tone) Oh! Are the pressures of your Santa duties getting to you? (Glancing toward Elsie) If only I could have been married first. Then I could have been Santa... and what a Santa I would have made, too. (Drifting in his own thoughts) I had such big plans... starting with that dreadful Santa suit. We could use so much more color in it. I would have made it a nifty royal blue. Or dare I say, an uplifting apricot! WE could have even moved our location to somewhere warm, like Equatorial New Guinea!

Jake: (sarcastically) Yeah, that would have been a much better idea!

Nick: Oh, what would you know, anyway!? (There's an obvious animosity between Jake and Nick)

Elsie: Yes, well, I shall see you all later.

Nick: (crossing to Elsie, grabbing her hand and giving it a quick kiss) Elsie, it was wonderful to see you again.

Elsie: (blushing) Oh, Nicky!

Santa: (crossing between them again) I will think about what you said, Dear. Goodbye. (They embrace. She exits. Santa turns back toward Nick) Now see here, Nick! I know that you have loved Elsie ever since we were kids. Is it my fault that she fell in love with me? Since I was the first one to find a wife, that made me the most appropriate choice for taking over from Grandpa Claus when he was ready to hand off his responsibilities. And as for how he wants to spend his time, let it be. This is the man who kept Christmas alive, even through the Great Depression! So I say that he's entitled to spend his time however he wants, even if that means you have to play the good son...

Nick: (interrupts with a whiny voice) But I'm playing the reindeer!

Santa: (firmly) Even if you have to play the reindeer! Is that clear?

Nick: (pause) ...Yes.

(Grandpa Santa comes in with green garland, and ornament, and a star hat on his head.)

Grandpa Santa: There you are, Nicky my boy! I've been looking all over for you. I found some elves who want to play a game of "pin the ornament on the tree."

Nick: What does that have to do with me?!

(Grandpa raises up Nick's arms in outstretched positions and puts the star hat on Nick's head)

Grandpa Santa: We need a tree, of course! (Nick gives an astonished look as Grandpa Santa drags him out, while wrapping the garland around his body)

Nick: (from offstage, in an "I want my mommy" whine) Chris....... 

Jake: Hey Santa, do you think I could go and be a part of that action?

Santa: No, I'm afraid not. We have a lot of work still left to do, and it appears that we have lost some of our elves for a while. Now where were we.... oh, yes. Mr. Affleck.

(Another elf enters carrying a wrench. He has oily smudges on his face and is wearing a mechanic outfit.)

Gizmo: Hey, Boss. You got a sec? I have a sort-of situation.

Santa: I'm very busy Gizmo... what is it?

Gizmo: Well, ya see, I was doing da systems check on da sleigh like ya told me to, and well, I noticed a problem with da altitude alignment module. It keeps going a couple of degrees off every time we go more dan a couple hundred miles.

Santa: Altitude alignment module? What's that?

Gizmo: (gently) You know, Boss, it's da thing-ama-jigit.

Santa: Oh, the thing-a-ma-jigit, of course. Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Gizmo: Uh, yea, well, I know that you're awful busy and all, but I thought you should know. It's just a couple of degrees. Maybe we can deal with it after C-day.

Santa: NO, no, that won't do at all. If I go anywhere near the Bermuda Triangle with less than a perfect flight configuration, I could be another statistic; not to mention if I have to go over the Alps of some other mountainous range.

Gizmo: I see you're point.

Santa: This couldn't have happened at a worse time. I had better go see for myself. 

(Chris, Jr. enters in, singing a Christmas jingle. He is in very, VERY positive spirits.)

Junior: Hi everybody! Oh, Jake, you’re looking very spiffy today! Gizmo, you've been hard at work, as usual. What would we do without you?

Gizmo: Uh, walk.

Junior: (laughing uproariously) Oh, Gizmo, you're too much! How is my favorite dad in the whole world doing?

Santa: Junior, we're awfully busy and I just received some very stressful news, and...

Junior: Sounds like someone needs a big hug. (Junior goes and gives Santa a huge bear hug; Santa is embarrassed and pushes him away)

Santa: OK, now stop that. That's enough of that. What is it that you wanted, Junior?

Junior: (undaunted) Nothing, really. I was just in my room and I was going over Jake's lessons on the history of flight. (He pulls out a piece of paper the size of a matchbook. Santa looks at it suspiciously and then glares at Jake) I got bored and I thought I would come down to the office and see how the bestest dad and the bestest teacher in the whole world were doing.

Jake: (nervously runs over to Junior and grabs the "lesson") Why, Junior, heh heh, where did you get this? You remember that the flight lesson was more of an, um, ORAL LESSON. Yes, that's it! An oral lesson. Uh... we'll learn some more about it later. (Jake walks back to his seat and sits down, avoiding eye contact with Santa.)

Junior: All right, Jake. So, what are we doing now, guys? (Junior sees the "list" on Santa's desk and walks to it) Oooh! Is this the naughty-slash-nice list? (He picks it up and rifles through it) Oh, I wonder where Donald Trump is going to be, THIS year! Oh, and you know who else I was wondering about...

Santa: (interrupting Junior while taking the list) I've told you before, Son, don't touch anything on my desk... its very important stuff.

Junior: Yes, I know it's important. (He jumps up and down joyously and yells) IT'S CHRISTMAS STUFF! YAAAAY!!!

Santa: Calm down, Junior. 

Junior: Sorry, Dad. It's just that I get so excited when I think about Christmas. It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Santa: I agree, but it is also the busiest time of the year for me, so you will have to excuse me. Gizmo and I must go and look at the sleigh. You stay here with Jake and DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING. You promise?

Junior: OK, I promise. (He puts his fingers behind his ears in a pointed manner) ELVES HONOR!

Santa: Thank you. Jake, you're in charge. Let's go, Gizmo. (Santa sighs, and they exit)

Junior: Jake, there goes the greatest Santa ever.

Jake: (Jake points to a picture on the wall) Uh, Junior, don't ya think that the original Santa, your great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather from the 3rd Century, was the greatest Santa ever?

Junior: No way! I know that he was the first, but my dad is definitely the hardest working Santa ever!

Jake: OK, if you say so.

Junior: Come to think of it, I don't think you've ever really said anything about the first Santa. What was he like?

Jake: (getting impatient) Oh, you know... he was great and all... (Smiling) ... he was a real "saint!" (He laughs)

Junior: So what are we gonna do now, Jake? I know! We could paint some more candy canes. Or we could go get the reindeer to play against us in a game of snow soccer. OOOH, or we could go bowling with snow globes! What do you say, Jake?

Jake: I don't think so, Junior. I have to stay here and... (Looks for something to do) ...and do some paperwork. (He grabs the list and tries to look important)

Junior: OK, Jake. (As Junior looks away, Jake pulls out a joystick and plugs it into a laptop and starts playing a video game) Hey, Jake, I've got a question for you. (As Junior looks over at Jake, he hides the joystick under the list.)

Jake: Sure, Junior, what is it? (He gives a cheesy smile until Junior looks away and then continues playing his game)

Junior: How come the sky is blue?

Jake: (puts down the joystick and thinks for a minute) Well... uh... it's because (a light bulb goes on in his head)...God had a lot of blue crayons and since the sky is so big, he just thought he'd use up all the extra blue crayons, you know, because there's so much of it. (Goes back to playing his video game)

Junior: I see. Hey Jake? (He looks at Jake, and Jake immediately stops playing and pretends to look at the list)

Jake: Yes, Junior. (Exasperated)

Junior: Then why don't the old black and white movies have any blue in the sky? 

Jake: Well, you see, Junior, while God had an awful lot of blue crayons, he had WAY more black and white crayons, so he decided to use all of those in the old days.

Junior: Wow, I wish I could have seen him color everything!

Jake: Yeah, me, too, Junior, me too.

Junior: Gee whiz, Jake, you are sooo smart! I'm really, really, really lucky to have such a smart teacher like you!

Jake: (pleased with himself) Yeah... You are! (Thinking that the conversation is over, he starts playing his game again)

Junior (long pause) so where does snow come from?

Jake: (really annoyed) Oh, Goodness! It comes from reindeer dandruff, OK?!!!

Junior: (processing) Wow... then if the snow comes from reindeer dandruff, than that means that the rain must come from reindeer..(?)...

(Elf voices interrupt Junior's thoughts)

Elves: (from offstage) Hey, does anyone else want to pin ornaments on the Nick tree?

Nick: (from offstage) Ouch! Be careful where you're pinning that!!! (The elves giggle gleefully)

Junior: (Jake and Junior devilishly grin at each other) I'm SO gonna play that game! (He starts to run off)

Jake: Hey, hold on, Junior. I've got an ax to grind with THAT tree! (They both run off)

Scene end

ACT ONE
SCENE TWO

(Back in Santa's Office. Santa and Gizmo enter)

Santa: (Wiping hands off with a rag) Well, that settles it. We're going to have to get a new thing-a-ma-jigit for the sleigh or else there will be no Christmas this year. 

Gizmo: Yeah, and we can't exactly FedEx that part, Boss. There's only one guy who makes it.

Santa: I know, Giz.

(Nick, Jake, and Junior enter)

Junior: Wow, that was such a great game... You're the best tree ever, Uncle Nick!

Nick: (annoyed, pulling ornaments off his clothing) Yeah, sure, kid.

Jake: (being antagonistic) I was thoroughly entertained. (Nick turns to punch Jake)

Santa: (going between Jake and Nick) All right, you guys! Right now isn't a good time.

Nick: Oh? What's the matter, Brother? Having a hard time running the show, are we?

Junior: What's wrong, Papa?

Santa: Well, it seems that the sleigh has picked the most inopportune time to blow up it's thing-ama-jigit. And thing-a-ma-jigits are real hard to come by, and the only guy that makes em lives in the Big City. And unfortunately, I am far too busy to go myself.

Junior: (with sudden excitement) OH! I'll go! I'll go!

Santa: (ignoring Junior) Let's see now, I can't send any of the elves, because we're short-handed as it is...

Junior: (mimicking "Donkey" in Shrek) Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

Santa: And Elsie is too busy, and Grandpa Claus is just too old...

Junior: I can do it! Pick me! Pick me!

Santa: (still ignoring Junior) Nick?

Nick: (pleased and smug) Ooohh no! Not me! I am MUCH too busy being Grandpa's playmate, remember? I was JUST on my way to see if I could "renegotiate" my duties, but I can see that you are too busy, and I'll have to come back later. Ta ta... and...(He exits gleefully) GOOD LUCK! (His hysterical laughs trail off)

Junior: Papa! I know I can do it! I'll wear the red sweatshirt that mom made me and everything! I'll make you proud of me, you'll see!

Jake: I hate to say it but at this point we have to consider all of our options. We do have Comet and Cupid on standby, and I'm sure they wouldn't mind taking Junior into town. I can arrange to have them take him to our thing-ama-jigit maker in the Big City.

Santa: Yes, I think you're probably right. (With shrunken shoulders, Santa turns to Junior) OK, Junior. Your mother is probably going to kill me, but you had better get packed because it looks like you're going to the Big City.

Junior: (jumping up and down) Yaaaay! I'm going to the Big City! I'm going to make you so proud, Papa! I feel like I'm the luckiest kid in the world! (He starts to break out in song...) 

Jake: (Santa glares at Jake. Jake understands and is apologetic) I know, I'll make him cut down on the sugar…

Santa: (puts his hand on his head as if he has a headache, he turns to Gizmo and Jake) Jake, Gizmo, could you give me a few minutes alone with my son?

Jake/Gizmo: Sure. (They exit)

Santa: (turns back to Junior) Son, calm down now... I have some things that I need to talk to you about.

Junior: (calming down) Okay, okay.

Santa: Now Junior, the Big City is a lot different than the North Pole. People aren't as... well, as comfortable with each other as we are here. We don't want to annoy anybody and so we have to keep a low profile while we're there. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?

Junior: You bet, Papa. I won't sing NEARLY as loudly as I do here.

Santa: Son, maybe it would be best if you don't sing OR talk to anybody until you meet our contact in town. Do you understand, Son?

Junior: All right, Papa, whatever you say.

Santa: Now our contact is the guy that makes the thing-ama-jigits, okay? His name is Pastor Donahue. He is the leader of a small congregation in the Big City. You need to meet him there and then he will hand you the packaged part that we need. Do you understand, Son?

Junior: Sure, Papa. I just have one question left.

Santa: What's that, Son?

Junior: What's a Big City?

Santa: (puts his hand to his head) Oh, boy!

Scene end

ACT ONE
SCENE THREE

(Scene opens inside Pastor Donahue's church. There are a couple of parishioners sitting in seats while he is at his altar conversing with another member. Junior enters)

Junior: (talking to someone back outside) Thanks for the lift, guys! (Since he isn't watching where he's going, he trips over someone's foot. The person he trips over helps him up) Sorry for tripping, but thanks for helping! I'll make sure my dad gets you on the NICE list! Oh, and Merry Christmas! (He turns to face the congregation) Oh, and hi everybody! Merry Christmas to all of you as well!

(Pastor Donahue approaches Junior and pulls him aside)

Pastor: Well, hello there. Are you the young man sent here to pick up a package?

Junior: Yup, that's me! My papa sent me all the way out to the Big City all by myself. You know, my papa's a very important person.

Pastor: Yes, I know. So you must be Chris' son?

Junior: Yup, that's my Papa's name. Isn't he just awesome?

Pastor: Yes, he certainly is. I'm Pastor Donahue. And you must be...(gets cut off by Junior)

Junior: My full name is Christopher Kringle the 16th, but most everybody calls me Junior.

Pastor: (reaches out and shakes Junior's hand) It's very nice to meet you, Junior. We were actually just about ready to start our service. If you'd like to stick around and listen, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It's all about the true meaning of Christmas. Afterwards, I'll get the package for you and we will call for your escort home.

Junior: The true meaning of Christmas? I already know what that is! 

Pastor: Great! Have a seat and we'll get started. (Junior takes a seat in the congregation and Pastor Donahue walks to the altar and faces the church body) Hello again, everyone, and welcome. As you all may have noticed, there is a new face in our crowd. He likes to be called Junior, so why don't we all make sure that we make him feel welcome in our house of worship, all right?

Junior: (boisterously) Hi!

Pastor: During this time of year, as you all know, most of us have lives that can become very hectic and frantic, with the planning, shopping, letter writing, cooking, traveling, etc. And in all of this, we have a tendency to let our activities get us carried away. We forget what Christmas is all about. I think that we all need to take a few minutes each day to remember the true meaning...

Junior: (stands up) That's right, Pastor, you tell em! (He notices that onlookers are startled; he sheepishly sits down) Uh, sorry. Go on, Pastor.

Pastor: Yes, thank you. As I was saying, we should spend some time each day remembering to whom we are giving this celebration in honor of...

Junior: That's right!

Pastor: ...the person who came into this world to give us all a gift...

Junior: Uh huh! Give it up for my Daddy! (Gasps from members)

Pastor: ...the one person who could have done this...

Junior: (in a hip hop style) Raise it to the roof! Who's your daddy?! Uh-huh...

Pastor: ... is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

Junior: (exuberantly) That's riiii...(stops) Huh? What!?

Pastor: That's right. The only begotten Son of God. Also called the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end...

Junior: (angrily stomps up to the alter, interrupting a distraught Pastor) Hey now! Wait a minute! (In a tantrum) Wait just a cock-a-doodie minute! (Regains composure) I don't know what you're trying to pull here, but it's not gonna cut it with me! I don't know who this Jeezees fellow is, or whatever, but everybody knows my dad, and...(Turn to the crowd) Santa Claus is what this time of year revolves around. (General unrest and commotion come from the crowd)

Parishioner: I think this kid is on drugs! (He exits)

Pastor: Now Junior... (Puts a hand on his shoulder) I'm sure that we can clear this all up for you. If you will just calm down... (Junior pulls away and turns to the congregation)

Junior: Don't believe this man and his pack of lies! (Turns to the pastor) Remember, my daddy knows when you've been bad or good, so you had better be good, for goodness' sake!!

Pastor: Junior, haven't you ever wondered why it's called "Christ-mas?"

Junior: Uh, hello! It's cuz my dad's first name is Chris! Duh!

Pastor: I'm sorry, Junior, but that just isn't so. I don't know how it's come to be that you don't know this, especially with your family history, but the reason we celebrate Christmas is because of Jesus Christ. 

Junior: (He screams loudly and points at the pastor) Blasphemy! Blasphemy! Blasphemy!

(A police officer and parishioner enter)

Officer: OK folks, what’s going on in here?

Church Member: It’s that boy, Officer. He’s the one doing all the shouting.

Junior: (approaches the officer) Officer, I want you to ARREST this man (points to Pastor Donahue) for crimes against Christmas!!!

Officer: (grabs Junior by the arm and starts to pull him to the exit) Sure, sure... Why don't we go downtown and you can tell it to the nice psychiatrist all about it?

Junior: Psychiatrist? Wait a minute! You're in on it, too? (He looks at everyone) You're all in on it! I have to get out of here! (He pulls away and starts to run. The officer chases after him. All the while, the Cops theme song, "Bad Boys" plays in the background. The chase ends up on stage where the church member finally grabs Junior and the officer catches up and handcuffs him.)

Officer: I've gotcha now! We're going downtown. (He and the church member carry him out as he struggles)

Junior: Mooommmmmy!

Scene end

ACT ONE
SCENE FOUR

(The scene begins in jail where Junior is behind bars, being questioned by the officer)

Officer: Now, one more time, Son. You say that you have a family, but you don't know their telephone number?

Junior: (he has lost his cheery-ness) I keep telling you, Officer, there is no area code for where I live. 

Officer: Then what do you do when someone gets lost?

Junior: People get lost?

Officer: Well yes, when they don't know how to get home...

Junior: I don't think anyone has ever gotten lost. As a matter of fact (he stops, with a panicked look on his face) OH NO! I'm lost, now, aren't I? Oh no!

Officer: Now calm down, Son, don't get yourself all worked up again. (Pastor Donahue comes in, talking in his cell phone)

Pastor: Yes, yes, I just came into the jailhouse and I can see him now. (Pause) Don't worry, Elsie, I'll take care of everything. 

Junior: Hey! What’s he doing here!?

Pastor: Officer I have somebody on the phone here who can help us. Can I hand this over to the boy?

Officer: If it will help, I guess so. (Donahue turns to hand Jr. the phone)

Junior: (excited) I’m not taking anything from you mister! Who knows what will happen next. Maybe a trip to the electric chair!?

Pastor: Just trust me, Son.

Junior: Oh no! Uh, uh! (Jr. closes his eyes and puts his fingers in his ears) FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!

Pastor: (shouting through Jr.’s tirade) ITS YOUR MOTHER!!
 (Jr. stops)

Junior: Really?

Pastor: Well, take this and find out.
 (Jr. takes the phone)

Junior: Hello mom!? Guess who? Yeah I’m in the Big House. The Lockup. The Slammer. Huh? Oh yeah. I’m a little bit scared. Uh yeah, Pastor Donahue is still here. Wait, mom, I gotta tell you about this Pastor guy. He’s going around and telling everybody that Christmas is all about this Jesus guy, and I…. What?… (Looks up with a reality changing surprise face. Twilight zone theme song could be played in background) Christmas is all about Jesus… It’s not about papa…… Okay mom, I gotta go, bye thanks. (He drops phone, looks down and slumps to the ground)

Pastor: Son, are you ok? Your mom sent me here to bring you home.
 (A few beats of pauses go by, then Jr. looks up with a furrowed brow, and a darkness settling in)

Junior: Just wait 'til I get home.

Scene end

ACT TWO
SCENE ONE

(We return to Santa’s office. We find Santa, Elsie, Jake, and Nick. Junior and Pastor Donahue enter. Pastor Donahue is carrying a package. ) 

Elsie: There you are. You’ve made it back. We were so worried.
 
Junior: Well, hello my family. (In sarcastic tone) I’m so glad that you all  taught me so well about the world and my place in it. I mean if it wasn’t for all of your involvement in my development, well, I very possibly could have gone and interacted with rest of the world and MADE A COMPLETE FOOL OF MYSELF!! I mean the next thing you’ll be telling me is that the sky really isn’t made out of blue crayon! (Recomposes back to sarcastic tone) So thank you. Thank you all again so much for all of your help. I’ll leave you all now.

Santa: Uh, son where are you going?

Junior: Oh, to my room to do some redecorating. I also thought I might like to watch a movie that recently hit close to home for me.

Santa: What movie is that?

Junior: LIAR, LIAR! (He exits)
 
Pastor: (steps forward, sets box on Santa’s desk) Ahem. There you are. One altitude alignment module. (Santa looks confused; Pastor looks confused, and then remembers) Oh.. uhm, I mean, thing-ama-jigit. (Santa understands) Dropped it off nice and timely.

Santa: Thank you so much for all that you’ve done, with having to clear up that mess with Junior and taking time out of your busy schedule to bring both my boy and this equipment all this way to us. I don’t know what we would have done if we didn’t have you for our liaison.

Pastor: Think nothing of it, Chris. I’ve always wanted to see Santa’s Village. And the hardest part of clearing up all that bit about Junior, was convincing the Police Chief you were real and Junior was your son. Oh, and Mrs. Claus, (turning to her) that was an inspired idea, faxing down the Chief’s Christmas wish list from when he was seven.

Elsie: I thought it might help.

Pastor: Oh, it surely did. The look on his face was astonishing.

Santa: Yes I’ve seen that look on every president’s face when they find out on their first day that I really do exist.

Jake: And everybody thinks Area 51 refers to aliens. (Everyone chuckles)

Pastor: One thing I don’t understand, though.

Santa: What’s that?

Pastor: How is it that your own son didn't know what Christmas was about?

Santa: Oh, you know, it’s the same old story really. You get all caught up in your work (Slanting tone toward Jake) leave responsibilities up to people it shouldn’t be left to, (turns back to Donahue) and too much time goes by, and before you know it, the really important lessons get missed.

Nick: You can’t really blame my brother, Pastor Donahue. (Walks behind Santa as he says his line) With all the vast and huge responsibilities he has and the (points to the top of Santa’s head) limited resources he has available to him.

Elsie: Nick, there is plenty of blame to go around for everybody. Anyone of us could have taken the time to explain things to the dear boy. (Jake looks accusingly towards Nick)

Nick: I'VE been far too busy with Grandpa Claus. (Nick looks accusingly at Jake)

Jake: And it’s not in MY contract. 

Elsie: I am highly disappointed in you two. I think you should leave now. (Realizing they spoke too tersely. Humbly they both exit) Junior has been acting very strange since his return. I’m concerned about him.

Santa: Me, too.

Pastor: Well, he has been through a traumatic experience. It’s perfectly normal for a person’s behavior to change after an intense ordeal. He should be fine, just give him some time.

Santa: I hope you’re right, Pastor. I mean, eventually I have to let him in on the ‘Family Secret.’ (Pastor Donahue gives a serious knowing glance and nod)

Pastor: Hmm, yes, that's true. But I'm sure that God has a plan in all of this. Well, I’m off now. I have to get back to prepare for Christmas service.

Elsie: Oh, thank you again, Pastor, I don’t know how we’ll ever repay you.

Santa: Yes Pastor, we are indebted to you.

Pastor: Nonsense. It was my privilege. Goodbye now. (Donahue goes to leave)

Santa and Elsie: Merry Christmas! (Donahue exits)

Elsie: I hope he’ll be okay.

Santa: I’m sure he’ll be fine. It’s not that far back to the Big City.

Elsie: (really annoyed) Not him, Chris! I mean Junior!

Santa: (embarrassed) Oh.

Scene end

ACT TWO
SCENE TWO

 (This scene takes place in Junior’s room. Upon his return to the North Pole he has transitioned into a more rebellious nature. His room should have posters hung that are anti-holiday, such as ‘The Grinch’ and ‘ Nightmare before Christmas’. He should be clad in a more punk fashion, i.e.., Leather jacket, spikes, earrings and such. Junior is listening to music with earphones and “air jamming”. He does not notice Santa walking in. Before Santa has a chance to make his presence known, Junior belts out a few lyrics of the song he’s listening to.)

Junior: (singing with air guitar) “Father Christmas, give us your money! We’ll beat you up if you make any noise... 

Santa: (Stunned, he decides to make his presence known.) Ahem!

Junior: (Realizes somebody is there. Takes off earphones) Oh it’s you. (goes to put earphones back on)

Santa: Hold on a minute, Junior. I wanted to talk to you.

Junior: Hey, what do ya know? You can find time to talk.

Santa: Yes, about that. (Pauses as he notices something about Juniors ears) Uh, is that an earring you’re wearing?

Junior: (holds up his hand to display earring) Yes, you like it? It’s a skull.

Santa: That's a very inappropriate thing to wear, so you're going to have to... wait a minute. What did you do to the red sweatshirt? (He sees the sleeves have been ripped off and thrown on the floor) Your mother spent 3 WEEKS sewing that for you! How do you expect to keep warm out in the snow?!

Junior: Gee, Pops, I guess I'll have to use all the family love that I feel to keep me warm.

Santa: That's not funny! If I didn't know better, I'd... I'd... (Stunned) What is that on your arms?!

Junior: Oh these. You like em’? They’re my new Tats. (Santa gasps.) This one (holds up left hand) says ‘Bah’, (Adds right hand to display.) and this one says ‘Humbug’. Cool, huh, pops?

Santa: (Appalled.) What in the world are you thinking? Your mother and I would never approve of this.

Junior: Aw! C’mon pops! It’s not that big of a deal. Besides I never thought you would even get around to noticing anything about me.

Santa: Now, I know that you’ve been through a lot lately, but this behavior is completely unacceptable. And my name is not ‘Pops’.

Junior: (mimics his dad) Unacceptable! Unacceptable?! You want to know what’s unacceptable? Being led to believe something your whole life that isn’t true. That’s what’s unacceptable.

Santa: That’s not fair. I never meant for any of this misunderstanding to happen.

Junior: You never exactly prevented it from happening, did ya, ‘Pops’?

Santa: I’ve been busy working on the family business so that you could have a legacy to continue.

Junior: (sarcastically) Great job, Dad! 

Santa: Don’t speak to me in that way. I am still your Father.

Junior: Hhmph!

Santa: Son, I did not come here to argue with you, I just wanted to talk to you and…(Junior cuts him off)

Junior: Yeah! What did you come here about? I haven’t seen you here in years.

Santa: I just wanted to talk to you about what you’ve learned, and about our ‘Family Secret’.

Junior: Oh, you don’t have to tell me about any "family secret". It’s pretty obvious that it’s taking credit for somebody else’s work. Well that’s not what I want to do, so you can keep your stupid secret, AND your legacy. I don’t want it.

Santa: No. No. Son, you’ve got it all wrong.

Junior: Me!? I’ve got it wrong!?

Santa: Yes, that’s right son. Now listen, I know Jake has let some things go with your education.

Junior: Oh, now it’s all Jake’s fault?!

Santa: No, that’s not what I meant. What I am trying to say is… (Junior cuts him off again) 

Junior: What you’re trying to say is you’ve totally screwed things up? Is that it?

Santa: That is quite enough! I can’t talk to you like this! I am still your father and as long as you are under my roof you will behave in a respectful manner worthy of the Claus name.

Junior: Yeah, maybe this is all the family name IS worthy of. 

Santa: (flabbergasted) You!

Junior: (folds arm indignant) What?

Santa: (Sighs out and slumps, recomposes) I can’t talk to you like this, I’m leaving! 

Junior: Fine!

Santa: Fine! (Santa exits)

Scene end

ACT TWO
SCENE THREE

(Scene opens in Santa’s office. Santa and Jake are at their desks. Jake has been doing reindeer poop-scooping duty as a punishment for his lackadaisical effort in teaching Junior. His costume is stained with brown streaks)

Santa: Okay, Jake. Let’s get back to work. I could use some distraction, and goodness knows we’re behind schedule.

Jake: Hey boss, why did ya put me on reindeer poop-scooping duty? It's hard enough being your secretary, but having to scoop poop as well is inhumane- not to mention stinky!

Santa: Jake, because of your irresponsible behavior in tutoring Junior, you have really created some big problems for us. I consider myself a reasonable person, but after the way you negligently fouled things up, it was all I could do to keep from wrapping you up like a giant popsicle and giving you to the abominable snowman for Christmas! Understand?

Jake: Understood. Roger that.

Santa: The sky is made out of blue crayon, indeed! (getting back to business) OK, now that we have the situation cleared up with the sled, we can start on charting our flight paths so we can notify all the world aviation authorities. So, let’s begin our path to Greenland. (Elsie enters looking frantic)

Elsie: (crosses to Santa) Oh Chris, something is wrong, terribly wrong!

Santa: (alarmed) What is it Elsie? What happened?

Elsie: I just wanted to go and have a talk with Junior myself. I felt so horrible about everything, and he’s been acting so strangely since he came back. So I went to his room and he wasn’t there. In fact, some of his things are gone, as if he’s decided to run away. I’ve been checking everywhere and nobody has seen him.

Santa: Oh dear. Oh dear. Junior and I had a sort of falling out earlier. I just wanted to talk to him, but things just became so heated between us, and I let my anger get the better of me. We both said some pretty harsh words. 

Elsie: Oh Chris, I’m so worried! What if he wanders outside of Santa’s Village? The North Pole is a dangerous place to be on your own! What if something happens to him! I’ll never be able to forgive myself! (Elsie starts sobbing on Santa’s shoulder) 

Santa: (Santa puts comforting arm around Elsie) There, there, Elsie. I’ll go and ask all the elves again if they’ve seen him. Maybe he’s just hanging out somewhere we haven’t noticed. I’m sure everything will be fine. (Nick enters) 

Nick: Chris, we need to talk. (He stops and pauses, and notices something is wrong) Elsie, Chris, what’s the matter?

Jake: We think Junior has flown the coop without telling anyone.

Nick: Junior left the village? Why on earth would he do that?

Santa: We got into a big argument earlier and I think he took it badly.

Nick: I see.

Elsie: Yes, and we are just beside ourselves!

Santa: Now I know you may not be as worried about him as we are, but your concerns will just have to wait until after I’ve searched around for Junior.

Nick: (crosses to Chris, he is now also apparently concerned) Hold on there, Chris. I know that we haven’t always seen eye to eye on everything, and I’m sorry if I made you feel that I don’t care, but I AM your brother, and Junior IS my nephew, and I AM a part of this family, and anything that hurts my family, hurts me, because I care deeply about it. Now, this is what we’re gonna do. Jake, you stay here as our contact person. Elsie, you go and keep an eye on the general compound area, maybe you can spot him around there if he tries to come back. (Nick puts comforting hand on Chris’s shoulder) Now, Brother, you and I are going to go and grab Dad and all the rest of the elves and form several teams. We’ll search out the surrounding areas to find him. Got it?! (All nod in agreement, then speaking to Elsie) All right now, don't worry. We will find him and bring him back safely. Now time is of the essence, so let’s get going. Jake, remember to contact us if you hear anything.

Jake: Roger that. (Elsie, Chris, and Nick exit. Jake takes a long sigh. Mimicking Chris) Jake, YOU stay here as our contact person! Bah! Humans! Who can understand them? (He gazes out the window) Wow, that's an UGLY snowman... I wonder why they put a Halloween costume on it? And why is it shaking? (He looks more intently) Wait a minute! That's no snowman! (He runs out) 

Scene end

ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR

 (We open with Junior sitting in Santa’s office with a blanket around his shoulders. Jake enters.)

Jake: Alrighty now, I notified everyone that you've been found, and that you're safe and sound. They should all be on their way here now.

Junior: Were they mad?

Jake: No. I would say they were more relieved than anything.

Junior: Good. (pause) Wow. You smell....(takes a whiff)… bad!

Jake: Yeh, well I got into a lot of, hmm, how should I put it? 

Junior: Reindeer Poop?

Jake: NO! Hot water! I got into a lot of HOT WATER after your old man found out that I wasn't really teaching you all the stuff that I was supposed to be teaching you.

Junior: (sarcastically) Wow. That's some REALLY smelly hot water.

Jake: Do you want me to throw you back out in the blizzard, young man?!

Junior: No! No, I'm sorry.

Jake: Anyhow, your dad is on his way to see you. He's actually a really good man, Junior. Even if he does have a sick sense of discipline, I don’t think you should have been so hard on him.

Junior: Yeah. I’m sure your right, it’s just that when I found out that what I always thought was the truth, really wasn’t ...well, I just felt a little hurt, I guess.

Jake: Hhmmm, I see. Junior, I owe you an apology for my part in your miseducation. I really am very sorry.

Junior: Then I have to ask; why did you tell me all those stories?

Jake: You see, when your father asked me to take over as your tutor, I felt offended at being given such a mundane task. So when I realized that I was just a glorified secretary, I decided to have as much fun as I could. Unfortunately, I see now that it was at your expense, and for that I am truly sorry. I suppose that’s a lesson I needed to learn that you taught me.

Junior: It’s okay Jake, I forgive you.

Jake: Thanks, Junior. Now how about you apply some of that forgiveness to your old man? After all, he wouldn’t be the first dad in history to get lost in his work and forget the important things, like his family.

Junior: Yeah. I suppose you’re right. (Santa enters)

Santa: There you are. Thank goodness. (Crosses to Junior) I came as soon as I could. Uh, Jake could you excuse us please. I’d like a few minutes alone with Junior.

Jake: Sure thing boss. Junior, remember what we talked about, okay? 

Santa: Thank you, Jake. (Jake exits) We were all so worried about you son. Are you all right?

Junior: Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry to have worried everybody.

Santa: It’s all right, son. We’re all just relieved your okay. We thought you had run away.

Junior: I did. After you and I had our argument, I packed up some of my stuff and made out for the civilized world. (He pauses) I’m sorry for some the things I said to you.

Santa: It’s okay. All is forgotten. I also want to say that... I think it's time that I showed you how to run the Santa business. It's a lot of hard work, but I know that you can learn it, just the way that I did.

Junior: Thanks, Dad. That means a lot to me. If I had known you were going to let me start helping you with stuff, I might have never left.

Santa: Well what made you come back?

Junior: Uh, I didn't actually make it all the way back on my own... 

Santa: You didn't? What do you mean?

Junior: (doesn't want to admit his own frailty, but gives in) I mean that Jake saved me - another 5 minutes and my name would've been Jack Frost! I mean it's FREAKING COLD, for crying out loud! (Pause with big cheesy smile) Do you think Mom could fix my sweatshirt, Papa?

Santa: (Santa chuckles) We'll have to see about that, but I'm glad that you’re calling me Papa again. Maybe I SHOULD take Jake off of poop-scooping duty....

Santa/Junior: (They look at each other in pause, then say in unison) Nah! (They laugh)

Santa: But hey, that brings me back to what I was going to talk to you about earlier in your room.

Junior: Really?

Santa: Yes. Remember how I was trying to tell you about the “Family Secret”?

Junior: Yes.

Santa: (Santa crosses behind his desk) And do you remember how Pastor Donahue told you about how the real reason for celebrating Christmas is to celebrate the birth of a baby who would take away the sins of the world?

Junior: Uh huh.

Santa: That baby was Jesus, and he gave the biggest gift that anyone could ever give; he gave his life.

Junior: He really gave his life for us?

Santa: Yes, he did. But when your great, great, great, great, great grandfather found out about it, something wonderful happened. Grandpa Nick, who most people now refer to as Saint Nick, was so overcome with appreciation to Jesus, that he started showing HIS appreciation by giving gifts. 

Junior: No kidding?

Santa: No kidding. There was this one time when three sisters that he knew were all sad because they were all engaged to be married, but didn’t have any dowry to give because they were so poor. So before the first sister got married, great grandpa Nick threw a bag of gold coins in the window while she slept. 

Junior: He did it in secret?

Santa: Yep. Then later on when the 2nd sister was about to be married, he threw another bag of gold coins in the window while she slept. 

Junior: I get it, and then he did the same for the third sister?

Santa: Not exactly. At this point, the father of the sisters was determined to find out who the gift-giver was. So Nick had to climb on the roof and throw the coins down the chimney to keep from being caught. When the bag fell, however, it dropped right into one of the sister's socks that was hanging on the fireplace to dry. And from that one act of love, now the whole world hangs stocking on their fireplace to catch gifts from the Claus's!

Junior: Wow! That's amazing! (Stops to contemplate) Why didn't you ever tell me any of this before? 

Santa: Well, Son, I guess I just forgot. Sometimes, EVEN SANTA gets a little caught up in Christmas cookies, and gift wrapping, and fa-la-la-la-la-ing to remember to sit down and talk about the REAL reason for the season.

Junior: Ohhh, so people get so caught up in all the toys and presents that they forget that it all started with Jesus, because when he gave his life, he started this whole Christmas thing?

Santa: You got it, son. And we Claus's have been showing our love to Jesus by continuing the tradition of giving gifts for about 1700 years now. 

Junior: Wow! I never knew! So THAT'S the "family secret?"

Santa: Nope, not exactly.

Junior: Then what is the "family secret?!"

Santa: I thought you’d never ask. (Santa pulls out a covered item and removes a cloth to reveal an ancient-looking goblet. He holds it up )

Junior: What is that?

Santa: Most refer to it as the Holy Grail. It is the very same cup that our beloved Jesus drank from during the last supper with his disciples before he fulfilled his promise to die on the cross for our sins. All through the centuries since, men have been seeking this for their own purposes because they felt that it held some sort of power that would make them invincible. One of those men who had sought after it was named Arthur. He was a king. When he had found it, he realized that it was Jesus and not the cup that was the true miracle. He was a truly honorable man that feared for the loss of this precious artifact to men of greed. So he searched our family out and requested that we become its keepers, and we have ever since. Only our family and a few of our trusted outside world contacts, such as Pastor Donahue, knows of it. 

Junior: Wow! I never knew. 

Santa: Nobody does. (laughs) Why, there’s even a movie that was made to say that the grail wasn’t really a cup, but actually a woman. It tore me up inside, and I had to put Tom Hanks and Ron Howard on the naughty list for that one. (laughs) So, we live way up here in the North Pole, and the mapmakers agree not to put us on their maps, and that’s how we can protect the “family secret.” 

Junior: (in awe) Wow!

Santa: Son, a time will come for me to step down from being Santa and pass on this legacy to you. At that time I will also pass to you the great responsibility and honor of being the caretaker of this goblet. (He rewraps it and puts it back in his desk.) Well, son, that’s it. That’s everything you should know before I start teaching you the family business. If you can forgive me, I think we should start having you work alongside me… today. What do ya say?

Junior: What do I say? I say, “Whihooo!” Yeah, Baby!

Santa: (laughs) Okay, that’s enough for now.

(Jake, Nick, Grandpa Claus, and Elsie enter)

Jake: Hey, look at who I found wandering in the hallway.

Elsie: Oh, Son! (Crosses to give him a hug) Are you all right? We’ve been frantic.

Nick: Yeah kid, you gave us all quite a scare.

Junior: I’m real sorry about that. I really didn’t mean to worry anybody.

Nick: It’s all right kid. Just as long as you're back safe and sound. You sure you’re okay?

Junior: Oh, I’m better than okay! Papa has just agreed to start teaching me the family business! Isn’t that wonderful!

Elsie: Oh, that IS wonderful! This calls for some Christmas punch! (She exits)

Nick: (somberly) Yes, Wonderful.

Santa: (To Nick) You know Nick, while I’m at it, I don’t see any reason why I can’t train two new Santa’s. I mean it’s obvious the workload is overwhelming.

Nick: You really mean it?

Santa: I certainly do. (Elsie returns with a punch bowl and glasses and starts serving everyone present)

Nick: Thanks Brother! Uh, one thing though?

Santa: What’s that?

Nick: Who are we going to get to watch over Dad? (They all start thinking and one by one they all start to look at Jake, who is still standing and thinking until he notices everybody looking at him. Suddenly he realizes what this means.) 

Jake: Aw, C’mon!

Santa: Jake, it's either Grandpa duty, or you're going back to poop scooping.

Jake: (without missing a beat) Hi Gramps. My name is Jake. I'm your new best friend! 

Junior: (Elsie hands a glass of punch to Junior) Thanks, Mom! This is turning out to be the bestest Christmas ever! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!!

All: (Lifting up their glasses in a toast) Merry Christmas, Junior! 

Jake: And Happy Chanukah!

Junior: Chanukah?? What’s that? (He takes a drink)

All: Oh No! Here we go again! (Humorous exasperation from the group)

THE END
© 2006 copyrighted by William C. Sloan
For permission to use this play please email me at sloanwc@msn.com