“listen up”
by Jamie Atchley
Summary
A take-off on the Barbara Streisand/Ryan O'Neill movie "What's Up, Doc?".
Plot 1: Inept super-spy going on mission loses bag (#1) with top secret object he’s supposed to deliver to save world.
Plot 2: Self-centered fiance won’t listen to boyfriend’s opinions.  Boyfriend has bag (#2) with his priceless collection of Kazoos.
Plot 3:  Wealthy woman has a bag (#3) of jewelry, and gang of robbers steals then loses it.  Trying to get it back.
HERO:  Wacky girl who loves the beaten-down boyfriend and wants to save him from the self-centred fiance.
Characters
Grandma (Narrator)
Kelly (Teenage Granddaughter Of Narrator)
Mrs Bags (A Wealthy Woman With A Bag Full Of Jewelry)
“Y” (The Gadget Guy For James Bland)
James Bland (An Inept “Super Spy”)
Enemy Spies (# Can Vary Based On Need)
Dr Marvin Gardens (A Scholarly, But Wimpy Music Expert)
Gertrude (Marvin’s Bossy And Self-Centered Fiance)
Hotel Clerk
Secretary
Bell Hop (Hopkins)
Wilma (Wacky Woman In Love With Marvin)
Props
3 identical suitcases or briefcases
Gadgets for “Y” to give to Bland
Jewelry
Kazoos

Script
lights up:
Located far up stage left, Kelly is praying, and Grandma walks in and observes.
kelly
Lord, I really need your help here.  Please give me wisdom to handle this situation.  Amen
Kelly asks God her questions, then gets up quickly without waiting for any reply.  Kelly gets busy doing something without another thought of her prayer.
Grandma
Kelly, pardon me for listening in on your prayer, but I’m wondering if you listened in, yourself.
kelly
Grandma, what on earth are you talking about?  
Grandma
I’m talking about listening, Kelly.  Bad listening can bring real trouble, let me tell you.
Kelly rolls her eyes, like “here she goes again”.
Grandma
It reminds me of the adventure of the mixed up bags.  Let’s see, it started with a spy trying to protect some top-secret documents from enemy agents.  But there was also an old lady with a bag of jewels.  She listened to advice from the wrong people! (Looks dreamy and sighs) And then there was that music professor and his fiancé.  (Smiles and shakes head) Those people couldn’t listen worth a hoot!
Grandma and Kelly freeze as Lights go up on stage.  Hotel clerk and Bell Hop (Hopkins) are behind desk.  A young woman (Wilma) is sitting in lobby reading newspaper.  Enter Gertrude and Marvin coming forward from behind the audience onto the stage.
gertrude
Come along, Marvin.  We don’t want to be late.  Where is the bag? 
Wilma lowers newspaper, noticing Marvin.  She thinks he’s cute!
Marvin
It’s here, dear.
Gertrude
(Talking over Marvin’s response)  You do have your SPECIAL bag, don’t you?
Marvin
Why, yes, dear…
Gertrude
Now, Marvin, when we get there…
Marvin and Gertrude continue on in mime as Grandma narrates.  Gertrude is clearly giving directions and paying no attention to Marvin’s responses.
As Grandma continues to talk, James Bland enters stage right with bag identical to M’s.  Bad guys are following him. Bland lines up behind Marvin, sets his bag (#1) down, and begins “reading” a newspaper. Both Bland and Marvin have set down the bags.
The bad guys pass Bland without recognizing him, and Bland picks up wrong bag (#2) and walks in opposite direction to side of stage.
grandma
They were quite a couple, all right.  Gertrude never listened to a thing Marvin said.  And I guess that worked okay for them until one day Marvin tried to say something important.
Marvin is confused about the bags and James Bland, and he starts to check out the bag he has left, but Gertrude stops him.
gertrude
(Ringing bell rudely even though clerk is right there.  She wakes up Wilma, who is taking a nap on the lobby sofa. To hotel clerk)  Yes that’s right.  Two rooms for the world famous music expert, Dr. Marvin Gardens and his fiancé, Gertrude.  (To Marvin) Come on, Marvin!  Let’s check into our rooms.  The conference will start soon, and I have a headache.  I need a nap.  Now remember, Marvin.  We have to meet down here at 6:00 sharp.
Wilma is very interested in Marvin.  She sits up and takes notice.
hopkins
May I take your bag, sir?
marvin
Oh, no, thank you.  I always carry this bag myself.  You see, it contains my collection of antique kazoos.
hopkins
Bless you.
marvin
No.  Kazoo!
hopkins
You know, you really ought to get something for that cold of yours.
Marvin shrugs, picks up bag #1, and follows Gertrude meekly stage left.  Wilma gets up and watches them as they leave.  She crosses to Marvin, and she “accidentally” bumps into him.
wilma
Oh excuse me.

marvin
That’s quite all right.
wilma
No, it can’t be.  You aren’t the world famous Professor Marvin Gardens?  I’ve got all your albums.  Oh, Dr. Gardens.  No one can play the kazoo like you!
gertrude
Marvin, I’m waiting.  You know what waiting does to my headaches, don’t you?
Marvin
I’d better go.
wilma
Yeah.  I’d hate to see Gertrude in a bad mood.
As they go off, Mrs Bags arrives carrying bag #3.  She is accompanied by her secretary, and they take same route as G and M. She is decked out in very showy jewelry.  She approaches the hotel clerk to check in. When hotel clerk sees Mrs Bags, he straightens up, wanting to make a good impression.
clerk
Oh, hello, Mrs Bags!  Welcome to the—
Bags
(Interrupting) Yes, yes.  Very good.  Is my suite ready?
secretary
Excuse me, Mrs. Bags. What would you like to do about your jewelry?
Wilma
(Walks by, and overhears the question)
There are rumors of jewel thieves in the hotel.  Did you want to place your jewelry in the hotel’s safe?
clerk
Oh, madam, I assure you, this hotel is quite safe!
Bags
Oh, I never put my jewels in a safe!  My late husband, Mooney, was so clever.  He came up with the idea of carrying my jewels in this old bag.  Thieves never pay any attention to it, because it looks so old.  He was a brilliant man, my Mooney!

clerk
(Very pleased with her plan) Yes, a genius!
Clerk rings bell, and bell hop enters.  
Clerk
Hopkins, take Mrs Bags to her suite. (As Hopkins is passing, clerk calls him over with special emphasis)  Pssst.  Take special care of this one. (indicating the bag with jewelry)
Bland
(Sees Wilma, who has returned to reading the paper.  He approaches her and gives password.)
The clock runs at midnight.

wilma
No, no, no.  It’s “Is your refrigerator running?”
Wilma follows Mrs Bags off stage.
Bland looks confused, and walks over to the Hotel Clerk to try him.
“Y”, disguised as a janitor, overhears and is interested in what Bland is saying.  He’s trying to get Bland’s attention.
clerk
May I help you, sir?
bland
(Not noticing “Y”.) The rain in Spain often rubs against the grain.
clerk
Sir, perhaps I should call you a taxicab.  (Turns back to make call.)
 “Y”
(Moves toward Bland secretively) Mozzarella makes a fella…
Bland
(relieved) Dance around like Cinderella.  (Extends hand to shake.)  The name’s Bland.  James Bland.
 “Y”
(shakes hands)  Y.
Bland
Why?  Because that was my father’s name, that’s why.

“Y”
No.  I’m Y.  Agent Q is on vacation.  Have you got the bag?
bland
Yes.  It’s right here.
 “Y”
Good.  Here are a few gadgets that may come in handy. 
“Y” pulls out several items from pockets and places on table.  Bland reaches for them and “Y” stops his hand.
“Y”
Listen very carefully, Agent Bland. Knowing how to use these gadgets could be a matter of life and death.
Throughout the scene, Bland’s attention is distracted by various people and objects.
 (Insert gadgets here)
 “Y”
Finally, here is BLANK.  If you need help, push this button.  Whatever you do, don’t push that button!
Bland is not paying attention. “Y” gets frustrated.
“Y”
Oh, why do I even bother talking to you?  Let me see the documents.
Bland
Why?
 “Y”
Yes.  That’s right.
Bland
What’s right?
 “Y”
Y is I.
Bland
Why is you wanting to see what’s inside?
“Y”
Just open the bag, Mr. Bland.
Bland opens the bag, and pulls out - a kazoo?  
bland
A Kazoo!  
Hopkins and clerk
Bless you!
Bland
Someone’s made a switch!
Bland and Y notice someone coming, and split up, looking as though they don’t know each other.

Enter Gertrude with Marvin following.  M carrying bag #1.
gertrude
Come along, Marvin.  We don’t want to be late for the reception.
marvin
Yes, dear.
gertrude
Marvin, I can’t believe you brought your bag.  This is a formal reception!  You shouldn’t have brought those kazoos!
wilma
(Crossing in front of them) Bless you!
M & G look confused about W’s comment.
marvin
 (Back to G) Well perhaps I should just run the bag back up to the --
gertrude
No.  There’s no time!  We can’t be late.  Just check it in with the Hotel Clerk.  He’s got a safe.
Marvin
But Gertrude, they’re my kazoos!
Bland
(crossing)  Bless you!
marvin
Boy.  The people here sure are friendly!
Gertrude checking hair and makeup.
gertrude
Did you say something Marvin?  Why do you still have that bag?  Go check it in!
M goes to hotel clerk and gives bag #1.  M mimes telling Clerk to be careful.  Clerk realizes bag’s resemblance and gets idea.
Bland, pretends to read newspaper while Y sweeps floor nearby.
Hopkins returns to hotel clerk’s desk.
Bland
What are we going to do, Y?  I need your help.
Before Y can answer, Bland gets up and moves away.
gertrude
Marvin?  What is taking you so long?   
(Marvin starts to answer her, but she interrupts)
Come along, Marvin.  I think they’ve already started serving the food.
M & G exit toward reception.  Bland is pacing in foyer.  Hotel clerk and Hopkins are talking about the bags.  Bad guys sneak in and grab bag #2 while everyone’s back is turned.  They exit without anyone noticing. 
Secretary 
(to Hotel Clerk)  Excuse me, but there’s been a problem in Mrs Bags’ suite.  She needs a clean-up.
Hotel clerk
You, there, Janitor!  You heard the lady.  Up to Mrs Bags’ suite immediately!
 “Y”
Why me?
“Y” exits toward Mrs B’s room.
Bland
I get it, okay?  (Gesturing)“Y” is you!
hotel clerk
All right, Hopkins.  When the janitor gets back, take this bag to Mrs Bag’s suite and make the switch.  We’ll be out of here and on our way to South America before the “Old Bag” knows what’s happened.
Off-stage, hear Gertrude talking
gertrude
Marvin is so talented!  Of course he’ll play his music for you.  Marvin, what are you doing standing there?  Go get your kazoos!
crowd
Bless you!
When Clerk and Hopkins hear this they panic, take bag #1, and hide it under a table.
Enter “Y”, excitedly carrying bag #3 under coat or something.  Hopkins leaves toward Mrs. Bag’s suite, as ordered.
“Y”
Bland!  James Bland!  I’ve got it!  That Bag woman must have been working for the “other side”.
bland
Good work, Y!
Marvin enters.  Sees bag #3 in Y’s hands, walks over, and takes it.
marvin
Thank you, my good man. My, this hotel has magnificent service!
Marvin walks off toward reception.  Bland looks at “Y” and follows Marvin.
Hopkins returns, panicked!
Hopkins
(to clerk)  It’s not there!
clerk
What?
Bad spy guys enter, disgusted, carrying bag #2.  Y sees them with the bag and goes to notify Bland.
Bad Guy #1
I can’t believe it!  We were outwitted by that moron, Bland!
Hopkins
Someone must have beaten us to it!
Clerk
I can’t believe it.  You can’t trust anyone these days!  Keep your eyes open, Hopkins!  We’re going to steal back those jewels if it kills us!
Hopkins and clerk  look furtively around stage, as if the thieves might be anywhere.
Bad guy #2
I told you not to stop for doughnuts while we were trailing him.
bad guy #3
I was hungry, okay?  I can’t think straight if I let my blood sugar get too low.
bad guy #1
Just keep your eyes open!  I hear a party in there.  Let’s see what’s going on.  We’re going to steal back those documents if it kills us!
bad guy #2
What do I do with this?
bad Guy #1
Get rid of it.  Hide it under that table.
Bad guys exit towards reception hall.  Now Bags #1&#2 are under same table.  
Mrs bags
(She enters as she screams these lines and throws herself down on the ground.  Secretary is following, trying to comfort.) Thief! Robbery!  Mayhem!
Everyone runs back on stage to see what the commotion is about.
clerk
Mrs Bags!  What is the matter?
mrs bags
My jewels, they’re gone!
clerk
I know.  (Mrs Bags reacts) I mean, Oh, no!
Gertrude
We’ve got to calm her down.  Play some of your music for her, Marvin.  There’s nothing like a smooth kazoo.
Crowd
Bless you!
Marvin opens bag.  Sees jewels, panics and closes bag quickly.
marvin
Ah, Gertrude, I don’t think this is the time…
Gertrude
Of course it is!  It’s always the right time for ka- (she stops herself, looking around at everyone) music.
Mrs Bags
Police!  Call the FBI!  Help!
Wilma comes on alert, but remains in background.
Marvin
(Looking at Gertrude significantly) I really don’t feel like…
Gertrude
Are you arguing with me Marvin?  Is this a sign of things to come?  Because if it is, I’ll have to say, I don’t feel very respected….
Marvin
Gertrude, dear, I’m telling you it would be better if I didn’t play my kazoos!
crowd
(Getting tired of it, now) Bless you.
Marvin
(To Hopkins) Here you go, my good man.  When you get a chance put this in your safe.
Marvin puts bag #3 under table.  Now all three bags are there, but no one realizes it.  Bad guy spies, though, and Hopkins and Clerk are suspicious.  They move to get a bag, and bump into each other. Bland and “Y” go for bag, but Gertrude cuts them off.  They all stare down each other, then all jump at once for table.  Each group gets a bag, but others are grabbing at them. Free-for-all erupts.  Bad guy spies pull a gun.
bad guy #1
Okay.  Everybody freeze!  I don’t know which of these bags I want, but one of them is MINE!  So let’s just take them all.  So long, Bland!
The other bad guys gather up the bags, but as they walk past Mrs Bags (who’s still on the ground) she reaches out and trips them.  Hopkins, Clerk, and Gertrude jump on them and try to get the bags back.
“Y”
Bland!  Use your gadget! Remember?  Your gadget!
Bland
Oh yeah!  Now how did he say this works?  Something about a button…
wilma
Police!  Everyone freeze! (She shows her badge.) You(to all the spies). You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. 
Bad Guy #1
Look, officer, we’re with the CIA! (Other 2 agree).
Bland and “Y”
No, we’re with the CIA!
All squint, pause, and put on glasses. Then they recognize each other.
Bland
Jack?
 “Y”
U! 2!
Bad Guys
James!  Y!
(They all greet each other with secret handshake.
Bland
They’re telling the truth, officer.  This is my brother, Jack.  Jack Bland.  Is it okay if we go?  Top secret stuff, you know.

Wilma
Oh, all right.
They check the bags, grab the right one, and sneak out, spy style.
wilma
There’s a case of the Bland leading the Bland. Mrs Bags!  Your secretary and I tried to warn you, but you wouldn’t listen to us; you listened to…  where are they?
Clerk and Hopkins trying to slip away.
Yes, you two! Sergeant, take care of these two hooligans.
Secretary steps forward and arrests them.
You’re going downtown.  We’ll let the judge straighten this out.
wilma
And you (to Gertrude).  You call yourself a girlfriend?  You never listen to a word he says.  I’ll bet you don’t even listen to his music.
marvin
As a matter of fact—
Gertrude
As a matter of fact, those horrid kazoos give me a headache!  Marvin, we’re through!
Marvin
(To Wilma)  I guess this means that all that talk about the kazoo was just part of your disguise?
wilma
Oh, no, Marvin.  I wish I could spend the rest of my life listening to your kazoos!
Marvin
Bless you!
FAde Out:

Grandma and Kelly are once more sitting together.

grandma
And I suppose you’ve figured out by now that this is how I met your grandfather.  It just goes to show you, Kelly, how important it is to really listen.

Kelly
(looks up. She’s been distracted.) I’m sorry, Grandma.  Were you saying something. I was text messaging a friend.
The End

Copyright Jamie Atchley, all rights reserved.
The script may not be reproduced, translated or copied in any medium, including books, cds and on the internet, without written permission of the author. This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged. In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed. She may be contacted at: atchley5@charter.net