You do the Crime...!

By Derek Wenmoth

Summary

Phil is unsympathetic to people who break the law...until it's his turn.

Characters

Phil and Mary (husband and wife)

Steve (a friend)

Setting

Scene A typical dining room. Phil and Mary are sitting together at the table, just completing their lunch. Phil is reading the paper, while Mary is sipping her coffee.

Script

 

Phil:
(eyes glued to the newspaper) Six months - Mary, can you believe this! (gestures clumsily at the page he's reading)

Mary:
Believe what dear?

Phil:
This... (gestures again) six months PD for fraudulent use of a credit card! (sarcastic tone) I suppose they've let him keep his card to go ahead and do the same thing again? What about all the innocent shopkeepers the guy ripped off - who'll pay them back?

Mary:
I'm sure you're making mountains out of molehills Phil - I'm sure the judge will have done what was right. (changing subject) More coffee?

Phil:
(ignoring the offer) Well what about this then (reads) Some guy in Redwood has lost his license for nine months after pleading guilty to drink-driving.

Mary:
That sounds fair?

Phil:
Yeah - except that he's now appealing the sentence - his lawyer is asking for a suspended sentence, based on the fact that he needs his licence for the job he does, and to recognise the fact that he pleaded guilty! Of course he's guilty - his blood-alcohol was four times the limit! People like him have to recognise that the law's the law - if you break it you pay the penalty!

Mary:
(calming voice) quite right Phil, now - more coffee?

(Knock at the door - Steve enters, a few letters in his hand)

Steve:
Hope you don't mind - the door was open...

Mary:
Nah - come on in Steve. Want some coffee?

(Steve takes a seat at the table - drops some letters in front of Phil)

Steve:
I brought your mail in - got it while I was down there getting mine. (Phil grunts)

Mary:
Thanks Steve - that's good of you.

Steve:
Hey - did you see what they've done to Mrs Atkins letter box?

Mary:
Who's Mrs Atkins?

Steve:
You know - the woman at number 8.

Mary:
Oh her.

Phil:
What about her letter box?

Steve:
Wrecked again - demolished (uses hands to express the point) flattened!

Mary:
Poor Mrs Atkins - that's the third time they've hit her letter box.

Phil:
Any idea who did it?

Steve:
No-one saw anything - but I'll bet it was those Herbertson kids, they're always up to no good!

Phil:
Someone needs to teach them a lesson.

Mary:
Hold on Phil, you don't know it was them - besides, it can't be easy for them with their Dad in prison. Meryl does her best with the boys - it can't be easy for her on her own too!

(Steve opens opens one of the letters he is holding and reads it while Phil says the following. As he finishes reading he looks quite shocked. )

Phil:
(gestures playing a violin) Here we go again - let's make excuses for every lawbreaker and criminal - Look Mary - the law's the law - you break it, you suffer the consequences! Don't you agree Steve? (looks across at Steve)

Steve:
(looks up) Huh?

Phil:
Steve - are you OK?

Steve:
(weakly) Ah - yeah - yeah, I'm OK (stares back at the letter)

Mary:
(supportively) bad news Steve?

Steve:
(composing himself) Bad news - no... worse! It's the IRD! They say I owe them $10,000!

Phil:
What? How can that be?

Steve:
(embarrassed) Seems that I forgot to declare my dividends from last year.

Phil:
And you made $10,000 in dividends?

Steve:
No - less than half that, but they've added an automatic fine into the bargain - it's all a bit over the top isn't it?

Phil:
(hands up in surrender position) No sympathy here mate - you do the crime, you do the time!

Mary:
(to Phil) Some friend you are! (to Steve - arm on his shoulder) is there anything we can do to help?

Phil:
Us - help him? Mary - this is precisely what I've been talking about! Everyone making excuses - a crime is a crime for heavens sake! (hands up in exasperation)

Steve:
Give me a break, Phil - it's not as though I've been out and murdered someone. We're only talking about a bit of unpaid tax here - everyone does it! How else can a man get a business up and running? As soon as I was flush I was going to begin declaring everything!

(Mary picks up their mail from the table and begins opening letters while the conversation continues.)

Phil:
Sure - and I'm governor of the Reserve Bank! Look, Steve - I understand how hard it is to start up a business and all - but you can't make excuses for breaking the law.

Mary:
(engrossed in reading mail) Look Phil - a card here from Aunty Flo in Auckland (Phil nods)

Steve:
But, Phil - I wasn't hurting anyone, and everyone does it. Besides - why land this big fine on me - why not just pay back the amount I owe? It'll take me all year to make that up!

Phil:
(repeats) you do the crime, you do the time!

(Steve shakes his head and looks away, worried.)

Mary:
So that's what you believe then, Phil?

Phil:
Absolutely - why?

Mary:
Maybe you'd like to pass an opinion on this then? (holds out a letter she's just opened)

Phil:
(reaches out to take the letter) Why - what is it?

(Steve looks up - taking an interest)

Mary:
A photograph of your car and a letter from the Police. It seems that you were doing 78kmph in a 50kmph zone!

Phil:
Let me see that (studies the letter briefly) This is ridiculous - it was 11.30 at night - I needed to get home quickly... not a soul on the road! It's absurd! (Steve catches his eye - the two men sit with gaze fixed)

Steve:
You do the crime - you do the time eh Phil? (Mary smiles)

 

© Derek Wenmoth 1997

All rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged.
In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate being notified of when and for what purpose the play is performed.

He may be contacted at: dwenmoth@xtra.co.nz