Summary: Based on a TV game show, similar to "Have I Got News For You", panellists consider the miracles of Jesus.
Style: Light-hearted. Duration: 12min.
Actors: 7M/F
Characters
Game show host
Four contestants
Old woman
Lazarus
Script
MUSIC (Have I got news for you?)
HOST
Hello, and welcome to “HAVE I GOT MIRACLES FOR YOU?”
My name is Alexander Strongarm…........ And in the news this week.........
Jesus is spotted walking on water...........(someone dressed as Jesus walks across stage on “water”......blue cloth on ground) …....and a wedding party goes with a swing as Jesus turns water into wine! …...(all contestants raise a glass of wine and say “cheers!”)
Now, to introduce you to the panelists tonight: On my right we have deep sea fisherman, Johnnie, and local shepherd, Pip (they say hello!), and on my left we have Molly, weaver of fine cloth, and clay potter, Alice (they say hello!). Our topic tonight is on the miracles that Jesus has been seen performing this week.
And so, for our first round, “people Jesus has healed”. After delivering the famous Sermon on the Mount, Jesus with a large crowd came down from the mountain and on their way a man knelt before Jesus, he was healed and was told to show himself to the priest, who confirmed that he was cured. What was he healed of?
PIP
Did he have mumps?!
ALICE
Was it chicken pox?!
MOLLY
No, I think it was whooping cough!
PIP
Was he bald?
JOHNNIE
It was leprosy! Jesus has been healing lots of people of leprosy .....only the other day Jesus healed ten people with leprosy, all at the same time, but only one person said thank you – and, hear this, he was a Samaritan!
PIP
A Samaritan!
ALICE
Well I never! A Samaritan saying thank you to a Jew! Did you ever hear of such a thing?!
HOST
Well done, one point to Pip and Johnnie. For our second question, what other conditions has Jesus been reported to heal in our region?
ALICE
Cellulitis?
JOHNNIE
Midgy bites?
PIP
Mad Cow Disease?
MOLLY
I know the answer, I've been making a list! He has healed..... people blind from birth, deafness, someone with a withered hand, paralysed people, chronic bleeding, fever, and dropsy (drops her pencil).
HOST
Excellent answer! One point to Molly and Alice! Round three.....I want to know five miracles performed by Jesus, that involve these! (holds up fish)......
ALICE
He was on a fishing boat on a Lake he told his disciples to let out their nets, even though they had caught nothing all night, and then they caught an amazing amount of fish!
PIP
Jesus fed a crowd of 5000 hungry people with five bread buns and two fish. With 12 baskets of food spare!
JOHNNIE
When the taxman asked Peter for his tax money, Jesus said to go to the lake , throw out his line, and that he would find a coin in the mouth of the first fish he caught. And he did!
MOLLY
On another occasion Jesus fed 4000 people, with seven loaves, and a few small fish, and still had enough left over to fill seven baskets!
HOST
Great answers, two points to Molly and Alice, and two to Pip and Johnnie!
Our fourth round is “Who is the mystery guest?” where one panel will try to bluff the other, in true “would I lie to you?” style.
Please come in mystery guest number one! (a woman comes in doubled over with a walking stick)
Molly, who is this mystery guest to you?
MOLLY
She is my 100 year old grandmother, who is looking for her cat! She always seems to be looking for her cat......
THOMAS
And who is she to you, Alice?
ALICE
She is an old friend of mine, bent double for 18 years, who Jesus healed.
HOST
Johnnie and Pip, who do you think is telling the truth?
JOHNNIE
If she has been healed why is she still bent over?
ALICE
She is just showing us what it was like for all those years.
PIP
I think it is Molly's grandmother looking for her cat, what do you think Johnnie?
JOHNNIE
No, I think it is Alice's friend that Jesus healed!
PIP
Ok then, if you think so, that's our answer! We think Alice is telling the truth.
HOST
Correct! Alice is telling the truth! And just to prove it let's see if the old lady can straighten up! (she straightens and walks of grinning and waving). There, thank you!
Now for mystery guest number two....... (someone walks in wrapped in toilet paper) Pip, tell us who this mystery guest is to you.
PIP
It is Lazarus, a friend of Jesus, and brother to Martha and Mary. He died and was placed in a tomb, but after three days Jesus arrived, and called Lazarus to come out of the tomb and out he came!
HOST
Johnnie, who is the mystery guest to you?
JOHNNIE
He is mummified Pharaoh Tutankhamen, come straight from the pyramids of Egypt, I brought him here after helping on an archaeological dig!
HOST
What do you think Alice and Molly, who is telling the truth?
MOLLY
I don't think it can be Lazarus. If he'd been in a tomb for three days he would smell terrible!
ALICE
Yes, and Jesus healing people is one thing, but raising them from the dead?! I don't think so!
MOLLY
Right, well, we think Johnnie is telling the truth, it must be Tutankhamen.
HOST
Well, let's see, mystery guest reveal yourself!
(mummified person breaks out of the toilet paper burial cloth!)
MOLLY/ALICE
Wow! It is Lazarus!
HOST
Yes, it is Lazarus! And he is not the only person Jesus raised from the dead, there was Jairus' daughter, and the widow's son from Nain.........you never know, maybe God will even raise Jesus from the dead, too.......that'll be quite a story! So one point to Johnnie and Pip, but none to Alice and Molly, let's see how you do in our next round,
For the fifth round I want you to tell me what is the common factor in these miracles......
….....healing the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years,
….....exorcism of the Caananite girl
….....healing of the centurion's servant
….....ten people are cured of their leprosy
ALICE
Is it that the people all paid Jesus to do the miracle?
MOLLY
Were they all done secretly at night?
PIP
Were they all performed on a stage?
JOHNNIE
Were they all done using a wand?
MOLLY
Is the common factor “faith”?
HOST
Yes, that's right! “Faith” is the common factor! They were all miracles that happened because of a person's faith in God. Either the faith of the person who needed healing, or the faith of someone who cared for them.
Now for our sixth and final round, you need to fill in the blanks in these headlines........
(holds up banner showing these words)
JESUS CALMS THE..........AS EVEN THE.......AND........OBEY HIM!
ALICE
Jesus calms the parents, as even the girls and boys obey him?
JOHNNIE
Jesus calms the sheep, as even the cows and pigs obey him?
PIP
Jesus calms the nerves?
MOLLY
Jesus calms the storm as even the wind and waves obey him?
HOST
Correct, a point to Molly and Alice!
(holds up banner showing these words.....)
JESUS TELLS A ….....YOU WILL NEVER BEAR ….....AGAIN
ALICE
Jesus tells a rugby player, you will never bear pain again?
MOLLY
Jesus tells an old pig, you will never bear piglets again?
JOHNNIE
Jesus tells a nudist, you will never bear all again?
PIP
Jesus tells a fig tree, you will never bear fruit again!
HOST
Yes Pip, great answer! And the tree withered and died, Jesus was showing his disciples that with faith, anything is possible, and that if you believe you will receive whatever you pray for.
(holds up banner showing these words....)
HERD OF............JUMP OVER CLIFF AS JESUS SENDS DEMONS OUT OF ….... !
JOHNNIE
Herd of cattle jump over cliff as Jesus sends demons out of barn?
PIP
Herd of elephants jump over cliff as Jesus sends demons out of zoo?
MOLLY
Herd of the joke about the chicken that crossed the road?.............
ALICE
Herd of pigs jump over cliff as Jesus sends demons out of two men!
HOST
Superb answer Alice! Yes that's right, and the local people got frightened, wondering who Jesus was, as even evil spirits obeyed him.
Well, that's all we've got time for now, so let's have a look at the scoreboard........
On my right Johnnie and Pip have 5 points. But on my left Alice and Molly have scored a magnificent 6 points and will go away with the coveted “HAVE I GOT MIRACLES FOR YOU?” trophy! Fantastic work, well done!
(He presents them with a trophy.)
Thank you to you all for playing, you have been brilliant contestants, and thank you to all at home for joining us. We look forward to seeing you again next week, on “HAVE I GOT MIRACLES FOR YOU!”
and from Johnnie and Pip........”goodbye”
and from Molly and Alice.....”goodbye”
and from myself, Alexander Strongarm.........”goodbye and goodnight!”.
MUSIC
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© Lyd Heywood. All rights reserved.
This script may be used free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged to a performance. In exchange, the author would appreciate being notified of any occasion the poem is used in public performance. She may be contacted at: