Summary: A Christmas riff on a classic TV series about a ‘faulty’ hotel. The scene is a hotel foyer where guests are booking in, or trying to, while the manageress tries to deal with a young family (Mary and Joseph)
Duration: 10min. Style: Light-hearted.
Actors: 1F, 7M (most have little speaking)
Scripture: very loosely based Matthew Chapter 2, the visit of the Magi.
Characters:
Mrs Belshazzar, the Receptionist/Manager (MB),
Andrew, a Bellhop (BH)
Three Shepherds (3S),
Three Wise Men (3WM).
Props
A large piece of cardboard with window cut out in it.
Counter-like table,
Telephone (and sound effect ringing)
Countertop push-button bell,
Shepherd costumes,
Wise Men Costumes
Large-ish cuddly toy sheep,
3 boxes (gifts),
Officer’s cap or similar for Bellhop
Smart, or overly dressy? jacket for Mrs Belshazzar
Script
Bethlehem Towers, Part One – Booking Inn
(Scene - Manageress behind counter with a phone in hand)
MB: (answering phone): Good evening, Bethlehem Towers…A room, are you serious? No, sorry we’ve no room here at all, at the moment. We’ve got Roman soldiers in rooms 3,4,7,21,35 and 128, it’s busy time you see. Yes, there’s a census on. Lots of counting. And all the other rooms are taken with visitors; locals, people on cheap weekend breaks, and a convention of astronomers looking for some kind of star. It’s like Christmas around here. No room I’m afraid. (Bell-hop enters)
BH: Evening Mrs Belshazzar!
MB: Good evening, Andrew.
BH: Mrs Belshazzar, I need to let you know, there was a young couple turned up here about an hour or two ago. Jo and Mary, they said their names were. And she was, well, you know, (makes exaggeratedly round stomach sign). So I told them to take their donkey round the back and settle down in the cow shed, knowing how busy we are and that.
MB: That WAS a good idea. They won’t cause us any problems round there. And out of sight of Herod’s hotel inspectors.
(Phone rings)
MB (answering phone): Ah, Hello Mr Wenceslas, room 11. Restaurant/room service Order? I see, pizza… (writing on notepad) deep pan, crisp and even. OK, I’ll send Stephen up with that later.
(Knock on hatch – note passed through – BH takes note from stable window –
BH: Mrs Belshazzar. Apparently, there’s no hot water. They need some hot water.
MB: I’m sorry, are the boilers broken? I’m sure I put enough wood on this morning. And there’s a cost-of-living crisis, you know.
BH: Well, actually, it’s for that poor couple Jo and Mary out the back. Apparently, it isn’t very clean.
MB: What do they expect, it’s a cattle-shed.
BH – I don’t think they want to wash the room, Mrs Belshazzar, they’re getting things ready.
(another knock on hatch, another note)
BH: They say some clean towels would be good too.
MB: Oh, now that’s the last straw!!!
BH: It’s OK, I can go and fetch some more. They might need it for the little one…
MB: What? Little one?
BH: The baby!
MB: Oh. Oh yes. The baby. How is the baby?
BH (checks through window): Look’s OK. Everything’s… stable I think.
MB: Oh, right. Carry on then.
- END OF PART 1 -
Bethlehem Towers, Part 2 - Enjoy your stay
(scene as per part 1)
MB (on phone): Yes… yes, I understand. I’m sorry to hear that Mr Gripe, but it’s out of our control you see. Yes, Goodbye.
BH: Problem, Mrs Belshazzar?
MB: That horrible Mr Gripe in room 97. Say’s he can’t sleep. Something about dazzling bright lights outside and noisy singing. Angels, he said.
BH: (incredulous) What Robbie Williams? (N.B. could here substitute ‘What bikers?’ if the reference is lost)
MB: Thankfully no. It was something else. Never mind, he’ll be gone soon enough.
(Shepherds arrive – sheep noises – rings bell on desk several times)
3S: Good evening.
MB: Pwah… what’s that smell (smelly, so sprays air freshener) I’m sorry, this is a reputable establishment. Please wipe your feet and keep them off the rug. It’s oriental you know. And you can’t leave that sheep here! And do you mind using the hand sanitizer? Thanks awfully. (sanitizer passed around)
3S: We are lowly shepherds come from yonder hill.
MB: (coldly) Oh, yes, I know, up yonder street behind yonder bakery. Yes, I know it.
1st 3S: Well, just now we saw a bright light in the sky (waves arm like arc in sky). Dazzling it was. And an angel appeared, and told us a baby had been born, a baby who would be Christ, the Lord, God’s special saviour…. So, anyway, we’ve come to have a look. The angel told us to.
MB: (Pause) Right! OK! Whatever! Go on, clear off.
BH: (interjecting quickly) Hey, Mrs Belshazzar, perhaps it’s that family I put in the stable. They’ve got a new baby.
2nd 3S: That sounds more like it. Come on lads!
(shepherds disappear off stage)
(Sprays air freshener again)
(Enter 3 Wise Men - very deferential looks from MB as 3WM ring bell on desk several times)
MB: (squeals) Oooh, Good evening your, um, excellencies! Would you like a room, or rooms? I sure we can find rooms for such important guests.
all 3WM We’ve come from the East
MB: Ah, from Plymouth, I see.
all 3WM No, further East than that.
MB: Not… (shocked) Not Exeter?!! Your majesties!!
1st 3WM No, you misunderstand; we are not kings but wise men from far away in the East, and we are seeking a king. Can we see your guest list? (clipboard handed over – 3wm check the list)
3WM : No, nothing here. Do you have a maternity suite, by any chance?
MB: A maternity suite? Of course not. This is a respectable hotel, not a hospital.
3WM: So, no babies then?
MB: Babies?
BH: Mrs Belshazzar, they must mean the…
MB: (to BH) Yes, thank you, Andrew. It’s that family, isn’t it; Jo and Mary.
MB: (to 3WM) – You’ll find him around the back in the cow-shed. Leave your camels at the door. (Tuts loudly) I see they’ve left a deposit… on our nice oriental rug.
3WM Thank you, Madam, we will be on our way to see the King. We have gifts to deliver. Goodbye.
(3WM leave)
(coda-like ending follows)
BH: Ah, Mrs Belshazzar…I’ve just seen our rating on Trip Advisor.
MB: Really, Is it good?
BH: Sadly No; Room for improvement; we’ve only got 1 star.
MB: Oh, well. Carry on then.
……………………………………………..
© Copyright Jonathan Budd 2024, all rights reserved. The script may not be reproduced, translated or copied in any medium, including books, CDs and on the Internet, without written permission of the author.
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