Style: Light-hearted. Duration: 9min
Actors: 3M
Characters
Mike
Dave
Sid
Script
[Mike & Dave are seated at a football match when Sid arrives. Singing “Come on you Reds”. SFX of football match in background throughout. Sid arrives & joins in as he clambers over the other two & sits down]
Sid: Any score yet?
Mike: They’re still warming up, doughball.
Dave: Only one team on the pitch – bit of a giveaway
Sid: Oh yeah. I was only joking
Mike & Dave: Aye, right.
[Dave gives Sid a nuggy]
Sid: Gerroff. [To Mike] How was your week, then?
Mike: Same old, same old.
Dave: I thought you enjoyed your job.
Mike: It was great at first, but now we’ve got this new boss with all new ideas of how he wants things done. He’s a right pain in the proverbial.
Sid: Not to worry. There are more important things in life.
Mike: Like football!
Dave: We’re red…
Mike & Dave: We’re white…
M, D & S: … We’re bloomin’ dynamite.
[All stand, clap & chant. Dies down & sit]
Sid: So where’s Russell today? It’s not like him to miss a game.
[Mike & Dave look at each other, then at Sid]
Dave: {Solemn] You haven’t heard, then?
Sid: Heard? Heard what? What’s wrong? What’s happened to him?
Mike: I think you’d better sit down.
[Sid is already sitting down – makes it blatantly obvious. Ham it up]
Sid: He’s not been in an accident, has he? Is he alright?
Dave: No. He’s not been in an accident.
Sid: Thank goodness for that.
Dave: No. It’s worse than that.
Sid: Worse? Like what? Oh – he’s not split up with Shona has he?
That’s terrible. I really liked her as well
Mike: No, Sid. He’s not split up with Shona.
Sid: So what’s the matter then? He’s not …. He’s not … you know?
Mike & Dave: Dead?
Sid: Yeah. Dead – he’s not is he?
Mike: No Sid. He’s not dead.
Sid: Thank goodness for that.
Dave: Not in the literal, physical meaning of the word anyway.
Mike: Yeah. In some ways it would be better if he were. At least we’d be able to mourn his loss properly.
Sid: What the Dickens are you two on about? Russell’s not been in an accident, right?
Mike: Right.
Sid: And he’s not split up with Shona, right?
Dave: Right.
Sid: And he’s still alive, right?
Mike & Dave: Right
Sid: SO WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH HIM?
[at this moment the game kicks off. Mike & Dave jump to their feet, shouting. Sid stares at them, dumfounded – slowly clamour dies down & they sit]
Dave: Sorry, mate. What were you saying?
Sid: [gobsmacked for a second] Russell – you were telling me what’s happened to him.
Dave: Oh, yeah. That’s right. Well, …
[Mike jumps up, followed a split second later by Dave]
Mike: Foul! Ref – definite foul.
Dave: Deliberate. Book him, ref.
Mike: Yeah - [starting chant] Book him, book him, send him off.
[Dave joins in. Both calm down & sit]
Dave: So like I was saying, Russell’s only gone and [their team is obviously on the attack. Dave is getting more excited. Dave & Mike both getting more animated] and …. and ….[the shot misses] oooooooh!
[Mike & Dave both sit again]
Sid: I can’t believe you guys. Our good pal is obviously in some sort of serious trouble and all you can think about is a game of football.
Mike: Oh, come on. That’s not fair. It’s not just any game of football. This is a vital mid-season middle-of-the-table clash.
Dave: Yeah – a vital match this is. You know what the legendary Bill Shankly said: “Football’s not a matter of life and death” [Mike joins in] It’s more important than that!
Sid: So, do I get to know what Russell’s problem is?
Mike: He’s only gone and become …
Dave: [jumps up yelling] Offside!
[Sid grabs Dave & pulls him down]
Sid: He’s only gone and become what?
Dave & Mike: [look at each other. Look at Sid. Simultaneous.] A Christian.
Sid: A what?!?
Dave: You heard – a Christian.
Mike: And not just one of those ‘go-to-church-for-an-hour-on-Sunday’ Christians either.
Dave: Yep. Totally flipped. He’s a happy, clappy chappy! Told me he’s “been saved” and that I need to ask Jesus to forgive my sins or else I’d go to …
Mike: [stands and starts singing] Hello! Hello! We are the boys in red [Dave stands & joins in]….
Mike & Dave: Hello, hello, our team are all half dead.
(Mike & Dave sit. Straight back into conversation)
Dave: So that’s it. We’ve lost Russell.
Mike: No more nights out with the lads. No more “fancy a jar down at the pub”.
Dave: No more Sunday football matches. No more chatting up the birds.
Mike: [dejected] Poor Russ.
Sid: [shaking his head & laughing. Incredulous] You two are unbelievable.
Dave: What?
Sid: You’re talking about him as if he was dead.
Mike: He might as well be.
Sid: Blethers. When I spoke to him yesterday, he was the happiest I’ve seen him. Like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He was talking about his faith – what he was saying makes a lot of sense to me. What did you think?
Dave: To be honest, I didn’t really give him a chance to talk about it. As soon as he told me he was a Christian, I was offski-Tchaikovsky.
Mike: Me neither. I didn’t really want to hear it. Makes me feel uncomfortable.
Sid: Come on. Russell’s our mate. [Pulls a flyer out of his pocket] He’s invited us to this meeting his church are having. I’m going. Do you want to come? [hands flyer to Mike & Dave]
Dave: No way. Not my scene.
Mike: All that singing and dancing and clapping and cheering. Wouldn’t catch me doing that in a million years. They look like complete idiots.
[Their team are on the attack. All 3 start to get excited. Then they score. They all go bananas. Settle back down]
Sid: So what were you saying?
Mike: Yeah – I’m not the jumping, clapping, cheering type [Realises the inherent irony even as he’s saying it] OK. I’ll go to the meeting.
Dave: Yeah, alright. I’ll go as well.
Sid: Sorry. What was that?
Dave: I said I’ll go.
Sid: Good lad. I’ll have a pie and Bovril.
Dave: But I didn’t mean …
Mike: Top bloke, Dave. I’ll have a pie as well
[Dave reluctantly gets up to go and get the pies]
Dave: You do realise that if we become Christians we’re going to have to start supporting a different football team.
Sid: What are you talking about?
Dave Yeah – so we can sing “Oh when the saints ….
Mike & Sid join in: …go marching in, oh when the saints go marching in ….
……………………..
© Barry Brannen 2008, all rights reserved.
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